Tell Me The Truth (but be gentle!)

Does this shade of lipstick make me look like a cheap whore?


Or maybe I just need more blush?

Most Likely To Become A Cat Lady.

During my senior year of high school, I thought I would be voted "Cutest Girl" or "Most Likely to Marry A Hot Wealthy Man." But instead, I was voted "Most Likely To Become A Cat Lady."


I used to think this was my classmates' idea of "humor" but now I know it's true - I'm going to be one of those crazy old ladies who lives alone with 90 cats. And then I'll die alone and one of the kitties will gnaw off my face. And Larry will read my obituary and show it to his beautiful wife and they'll both laugh at me.


I don't even like cats.

My Favorite Magnet.

Here is a photo of me with my favorite magnet:


Here is another photo of me with my favorite magnet. This photo was taken from a slightly different angle.

Today, this magnet elegantly captures my attitude towards life.

Larry Sent Flowers!!!

I realize these flowers are probably discounted rejects from Assistant's Day, but still - LARRY SENT ME FLOWERS!!!

Cherished Readers, I have a confession to make it. There is something that you do not know about me. I feel I have been misleading you. I should come clean.


I think I need a glass of wine first.

Ok. I'm just going to say it. Like tearing off a band-aid. No one has ever sent me flowers before. I know! It's awful. Believe me, I am as confused as you are. How is it that a smart, gorgeous, emotionally-stable cactus like myself has never received flowers until today? I guess stranger things have happened (although none come immediately to mind). But Larry sent me flowers, so now we have to get married.

I hate you, Diet Mountain Dew.

It has been brought to my attention that there is caffeine in Diet Mountain Dew.

I hate my life.

Absolut Wendy.

Doesn't this photo make you want to take a couple of shots of icy cold vodka? But I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I hate vodka! (Traumatizing college story from my days at BFU. Far too horrifying to share here.)

Clearly, I am a very talented promoter. On the outside, I'm all: "Yay vodka! Let's drink vodka all weekend and wear halter tops! Woo hoo!" But on the inside, I'm crying and trying my damnest to not throw up.

I should be a model. My skills are being wasted at the law firm. I just need an agent and a make-up artist.

Diet Mountain Dew: My New BFF

Giving up caffeine is not nearly as difficult as I expected it to be. At the very least, I thought I would have a horrible withdrawal headache. But, I feel great! I have never felt better! I have so much energy, it feels like I am flying!!!

And I owe it all to Diet Mountain Dew.



See, only dark liquids, like Diet Pepsi and coffee, actually have caffeine. Clear liquids, like water and Mountain Dew, do not have any caffeine. So, today, instead of my usual Diet Coke quota, I just had 10 or 12 cans of Diet Mountain Dew.



I love you, Diet Mountain Dew. You are my hero.

Caffeine Intoxication.

There were at least 72 things I had to do today at work, so I did a little research about caffeine instead. (Did you know that if you procrastinate,and turn in all your projects horribly late, your superiors will just assume that you are super important and busy? True story.)

Much to my horror, I learned that caffeine is associated with a lot of side effects, from insomnia and headaches to heart palpitations and muscle twitching. Say no more! As of this very minute, I am quitting caffeine.


I will drink alcohol instead.

There is something you should know.

I like soda. A lot. There are some critics who would say that Wendy is addicted to caffeine.

In the photo below, you can see how much Diet Coke I drank today:

Ok - it is possible that I just lied to you. It is possible that I drank a 2 liter bottle of soda while I was eating my dinner. I think you could use the following words to describe the amount of soda I drank today: vast; bottomless; unholy.

Miles thinks I need to reduce my caffeine intake. He said something about "irritable, irrational, high-strung bitch." I don't know what he is talking about.

Worst. Diet. Ever.

I hate the Vitamin Diet. It is the worst diet in the world.

To be fair, the Vitamin Diet is probably good for people who live in monasteries, because they only eat gruel and boiled carrots. They do not have to worry about temptation. If I was a monk, I would be so incredibly thin and gorgeous.

But how I am supposed to subsist on vitamins when I have a vibrant and robust social life and I am confronted with this:


Cookies! Bread! Cheese! What the hell was I supposed to do - suck on the Bee Pollen 1000 tablet while everyone else devoured the cookies? Hell no!

I am considering alternate diets. Miles suggested that I should consume fewer calories and exercise a little more. That sounds awful.

Brilliant New Diet.

Upon further consideration, I have decided that I can do so much better than Larry. He really is an ugly little spud. Before I jump back into the dating market, I decided I better slim down a little. So, I have invented the most amazing diet ever:

The Vitamin Diet!!!

My diets usually fail. You know why? Because I feel tired and sluggish, and then I give up and eat food. But these SUPER vitamins will give me all the energy I need.

Seriously, look at how many vitamins come in a single packet! I am just going to take a vitamin every three hours and I am not going to eat anything else this weekend. By Monday morning, I will be a thin sexy goddess.

I carefully read the information provided with the vitamin packet, so I know this is a brilliant plan. The packet has the following super vitamins: Beta Carotene; Super B-Complex 100; Buffered C-Complex 2000; Super Energy Plus (wow, this Bad Boy has ingredients like Don Sen, Ho Show Wu and Brazilian Suma!); Vitamin E Complex 1000 (that's A LOT of Vitamin E); Vitamin B-12 1000/Octacosanol 1000 (if you can't pronounce it, then you know it's important); Amino Acids 1000; Bee Pollen 1000 (I love honey); and Mineral Complex 1000. Summer bikini body, here I come!

I'm Lonely.

I miss Larry.

Look at how cute we look when we are cuddling:

I think I'm going to cry. Should I call him? Miles told me I'm an idiot and Larry is just going to flip out again. But just look at us! Aren't we just the most photogenic couple since Brangeline? I'm going to call him.

Ice Cream.

Oh God, I love dessert. I think I must have been a cupcake or a root beer float in a former life. Like most women, I enjoy window shopping. But, whereas most women like to gaze longingly at expensive jewelry and Manolo Blahniks, I pine after desserts.

Especially ice cream.


I always want ice cream. ALWAYS. It does not matter if I have just spent three hours walking through a blizzard. I want ice cream. It does not matter if I am stricken with a stomach virus. I want ice cream. It does not matter if I am dieting so I can wear a fabulous dress to my 10 year high school reunion. I WANT ICE CREAM.

Sometimes, I pray that my chromosomes mutate and I develop adult-onset lactose intolerance. But even if I was lactose intolerant, I would probably still want ice cream. Damnit.

Did you file your 1040?

I just filed my taxes - yippee! I completely forgot about my taxes until 2 p.m. today. At 2:03 p.m., I threw up from fear and anxiety. I immediately felt at least 12% better. Then, I told my supervisor that I was sick and raced home to prepare my 1040. I'm exhausted.

If you are procrastinating and doing everything possible to avoid filing your taxes, click here for some funny quotes about the IRS and taxes. Here's my favorite quote:

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."-- Jay Leno.

I am sorry that I devoted an entire blog entry to taxes. I know this is an upsetting topic for most of my readers. So, please, take a moment and reflect upon the calm and serenity of the photo below - IT'S ALMOST POOL SEASON!!!

A Few Thoughts About Easter

1) Easter Candy is better than Halloween Candy.

2) I know there is some religious explanation for why the day we celebrate Easter is always moving, but seriously, let's just pick a day and stick with it. I nominate the second Sunday in April. The last Sunday in April also works. Let's circulate a petition for the Pope.

3) I really like jelly beans.

Happy Easter!

I could use a little help here! Who let the chicks eat all the jelly beans before the photo shoot?

No Camera, Day 2.

This blogging thing kind of completely sucks when your boyfriend has the self-control of a 2-year-old and goes bat shit crazy on your digital camera.

Do I need a restraining order? (That's kind of hot... In a Fatal Attraction sort of way).

I am going to get a new camera tomorrow - except I can't afford a new camera. I've reviewed my budget and I could afford a camera this month if I cook all my meals, skip my daily Starbucks dose, and only buy the strict necessities - food; toilet paper; nail polish.

Maybe I should just shoplift the damn thing.

The Horror, The Horror.

Larry broke my digital camera.

No, that's not right. Let me try again.

Larry destroyed my digital camera.

Much better! I should go back to the beginning. I had plans to meet several girlfriends for happy hour tonight. We made these plans at least two weeks again. Sometimes, a girl just needs to hang out with her bitches. After last night's fiasco, I definitely needed some girl time.

I thought Larry would be thrilled - he could go home; fart; and watch ESPN.

I was wrong. Larry freaked out. He got jealous and thought I was going out to meet men. He whined, begged, cried, bargained, threatened, cried some more, issued ultimatums, apologized, shrieked, sent me flowers at work, called me a slut, apologized again - and all this happened before 10 a.m.

Well, Wendy does not respond well to ultimatums. I went to happy hour! But when I got home, I found this:

[INSERT PHOTO OF DESTROYED DIGITAL CAMERA]

On the bright side, Larry is G-O-N-E. I have no idea where he went, and I honestly don't care. Good riddance!

Whew.

My blog has a new feature! Look to the right. See the chippy new email link? I did that all by myself. I customized my layout and added the HTML stuff and it only took about 50 minutes.



I'm exhausted. Larry thinks I'm doing a pilates routine. He is zoned out in front of ESPN. Is he ever going to leave? I can't get rid of him! I went to work today, and Larry sent me SEVENTY-TWO emails. "Are you mad at me for crushing for Miles?" "Do you love Miles more than you love me?" "Has Miles called you yet?" "I love you." "Do you have a corkscrew?" "I just took a nap." "Have you ever dated Miles?"

Oh my god, it's like I'm dating a crazy 14 year old girl. No, it's worse. It's like I'm dating myself.

Shit.

My life is over. The two most important men in my life - Larry and Miles - hate each other. I think I'm hyperventilating (and, incidentally, I don't know how I'm going to put out tonight after what happened. Will Tylenol PM help?)

Miles came over after work to hang out and meet Larry. Everything seemed to be going well. But then I had to use the powder room, and when I came back, they were fighting! At first, I thought they were just goofing around.


But then Miles dropkicked Larry in the head.

And then Larry crushed Miles.

Miles screamed like a girl and then stormed out of my apartment dramatically. I think this is the part where Larry and Miles are supposed to laugh and become best friends - except Miles is gone and ignoring my text messages, emails, and voicemails. In retrospect, I probably should have broken up the fight and skipped the photo shoot.

I Have A Boyfriend!

Larry is my boyfriend! We spent the entire weekend together. It was so romantic. We know everything about each other, and most importantly, we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

Yes, Readers, Larry is THE ONE. Isn't he handsome? Here is a photo of the happy couple:


We had a romantic dinner on Friday night. Then, on Saturday, we went out for breakfast. Oh, we just spent the entire weekend eating at fabulous expensive restaurants. I had to pay for all our meals because Larry's wallet was stolen on Friday morning. Also, the dry cleaners lost all of Larry's good clothes, so I took him shopping today for a new wardrobe.

Here is an aeriel photo of Lendy (get it?):

I'm So Humiliated.

I am getting ready for my date with Larry. He is taking me to a super trendy and expensive restaurant. According to the Internet, all the important Hollywood agents take their important celebrity clients to eat there. So, I need to look my absolute most fabulous.

And I have a zit.

What do I do??? I have tried every trick I know. First, I put on concealer, but instead of a massive red zit, I now have a massive brownish bump on my face. The concealer just screams: "Zit! Zit! Zit!"

I am 32 years old. At my level, I should not have to deal with this crap. Look, acne is great for junior high students - it's like a chastity belt. But I am a modern woman, with modern needs, and those needs do not include PIMPLES.

Should I cancel my date with Larry? Or, should I go on my date with Larry, and just be prepared to put out a little more? If Larry is stuck having dinner with Zitty Wendy, he's going to expect some action...

Beauty Sleep.

Devoted Reader: I know you lead an empty and sorry existence, and you read my blog to give yourself a brief respite from the daily grind. You are probably at work RIGHT NOW and you are reading my blog to distract yourself from some mind-numbing task. But, alas, I do not have much time to blog tonight. I have a hot date tomorrow night with Larry! I need to get at least 12 hours of sleep so that I look as gorgeous as possible tomorrow night.

Wish me luck and send me tons of good energy! Gute Nacht!

An Easter Story.

Once upon a time, there was a sassy but adorable cactus named Wendy. Wendy was on a diet, because she wanted Larry to think she had tons of sex appeal. So Wendy was very good, and she ate only carrots and Red Vines. Everyone was amazed by Wendy's willpower.


But, the Evil Duchess of Cadbury was jealous of Wendy. The Evil Duchess of Cadbury was lonely and she wanted to date Larry. She hatched an evil plot to defeat Wendy's diet.


When Wendy came home from work, she was exhausted and stressed but she was determined to only have carrot sticks and carrot soup for dinner. She walked into her dining room and screamed in horror - "What the $%&@ is this?!?!?!"


Wendy told the Cadbury Creme Egg that it was not welcome and it should go haunt someone else's Easter basket. But the Cadbury Creme Egg was an enchanted candy and its evil spell could not be broken.


Wendy lay down next to the beautiful Cadbury Creme Egg and trembled with ecstasy and anticipation.

Wendy thought she would just take one tiny bite of the Cadbury Creme Egg. But when she tasted the soft fondant center, she lost her senses and gobbled up the entire chocolate egg.

Wendy drifted into a trouble sleep. The Evil Duchess of Cadbury had won! Wendy would be a Fat Ugly Beast FOREVER.

The End.