Monday, November 30, 2009

What the hell is this?

I found THIS in my apartment:

It's the "key" for a hotel room at the Embassy Suites. I am confused and upset. Confused because apparently Ralph tricked someone into sleeping with him, and I really can't get my mind around that concept. He is such an ugly toad and don't get me started on the halitosis. Upset because he stayed at the Embassy Suites. Am I really married to a man who conducts his extra-marital affairs at the Embassy Suites? That is so BORING. If you are going to cheat on your spouse, and you need a room, then you only have two options: (1) ridiculously expensive hotel, where you rub elbows with the likes of Bon Jovi and Cher; or (2) sketchy roadside motel where you rub elbows with prostitutes and serial killers.

But the Embassy Suites? I'm so humiliated.

I Need Help.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

A Light Lunch

I kind of pigged out on Thanksgiving. Honestly, I am comfortable sharing with you the number of calories I consumed - if only I knew. Unfortunately, I blacked out when I got up for a third serving of mashed potatoes. I cannot tell you what happened between 5:45 and 7:50 p.m. but I am told that I ate the pumpkin pie. All of it.

I decided it was time for some damage control today. So I had lunch at Long John Silver's.

I ordered chicken, fish, and potatoes. Lean protein + vegetable = healthy lunch.

It was amazing. For the second time this week, I lost consciousness. But once you lose consciousness, the calories don't count. If you can't taste the food, then it can't make you fat. Amen.

Friday, November 27, 2009

An Open Letter to My Husband


I know you are reading this. I don't care what your mother says, but it is an invasion of my privacy when you read this blog. Didn't anyone ever teach you about boundaries?

But, since I have your attention, I thought I would take this opportunity to share some advice. Last night, you asked me: "How can we save our marriage?" I'm sorry I laughed so hard, but I honestly thought you were joking. I thought your tears were part of the gag.

I have meditated upon your question, and I have some advice. If you want to make this marriage work, there is something you can do: shower me with presents.

Ralph, in celebration of the Christmas season, I think you should give me lots of presents. Expensive presents. Treat me like the Trophy Wife that I was born to be. Also, please try to be less ugly.

Your Wife,


p.s. Remember to wash the dishes.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's here it's here it's here!!! The day I can eat whatever I want and no one will judge me. Candied yams! Stuffing! Cranberry sauce! Pumpkin pie! I can eat it all and no one will frown and shake their head while staring at my waistline.

Here is the conclusion of my Gratitude List:

5. I look damn cute in hats.

4. I have a happy marriage. Well, a content marriage. Ok, fine, a faithful marriage, but only because my husband is too fat/bald/ugly to score with the ladies. I hate my marriage.

3. Sex and the City, the greatest t.v. show ever.

2. I can't remember. I was thinking something about self-esteem last night, but that can't be right.

1. Chocolate.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Gratitude, Part 3

Yesterday I was floored by a diabolical stomach virus from the 4th (possibly 5th) level of hell. It was truly evil and my illness made me feel grateful about the following: Nothing.

Today, I am feeling a little better. Before I retire to the couch, I will try to think of a few more things I am grateful for:

10. Dark sunglasses, blonde wigs, and crowbars.

9. Antacids.

8. Drunk dialing.

7. My cat-like reflexes.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Greatest Gratitude Hits, Part 2

It's here. The moment you have been eagerly waiting for: My Hundredth Blog Post. I thought I would celebrate this moment with cupcakes and fireworks. Instead, I'm going to commemorate this historic moment with a shitty gratitude list. So today, I am grateful for:

15. Nothing. I'm drawing a blank.

14. I had a bad day.

13. I accidentally farted in front of a cute guy at Starbucks.

12. It was really loud.

11. But the coffee was pretty good, so I guess I'm grateful for that.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Giving Thanks?

Thanksgiving is this Thursday. I love Thanksgiving because it is the holiday devoted to consuming as many calories as possible in a single sitting without any consequences (it's true, you can't gain weight on Thanksgiving). But I recently learned that Thanksgiving is allegedly about giving thanks - I think Oprah or Martha Stewart said something about it. No, not Martha - she said that Thanksgiving is the holiday about making fancy napkin rings that look like pilgrims.

It kind of makes sense that Thanksgiving is about giving thanks (think about it for a moment. If you are struggling, take a closer look at the name - Thanks + Giving. Clever, huh?) Since Thanksgiving might be about giving thanks, I'm going to keep track of the things I'm thankful for this week. A Gratitude Countdown, if you will. Wendy the Cactus's Top Twenty List of Things That She Is Grateful For. This is going to be tough.

20. Selective memory.

19. Women who are uglier/fatter than me.

18. The very strong possibility that I will someday be super famous and paid to make appearances at parties and clubs.

17. The quizzes in Cosmopolitan. They offer me so much insight and are extremely accurate.

16. Scented candles.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

My First Scarf.

Here is a photo of me with my first scarf. From a distance, it looks really professional and sharp, like something Angeline Jolie would wear.

The scarf, a little closer. This is probably as close as you want to get.

You probably should not read the rest of this post. I would not be surprised if your internet browser suddenly shut down due to the ugliness of the following photos (Rated RFU for Really F'ing Ugly). I mean, just look at this piece of crap. It's as if I deliberately knit The World's Ugliest Scarf. A homeless person in South Dakota in February would rather go naked than wear this thing.

This is my favorite part. I can see right through the scarf BECAUSE THERE IS A BIG F'ING HOLE THE SIZE OF THE GRAND CANYON. Holy crap, I might as well have been knitting drunk while riding on a unicycle, it's that bad.

Please go away now.

I Knit My First Scarf.

After hours of suffering and agony, I finally managed to knit my first scarf.

But I'm not going to show it to you. It's too humiliating.

I am breaking up with knitting. Time for a new hobby. Any suggestions?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

And We've Reached A New Low.

Please go away now.

Somewhat Frustrated.

I thought it would take me 20 minutes to learn how to knit (25 minutes TOPS - I am a very fast study). But it's been 2 days, and my progress is slow.

Very slow.

Wendy the Knitter

Exciting news: I am going to learn how to knit! This is going to be so awesome. I can see it now: I'll be that quirky but hip girl knitting at the coffee shop; all the hot hipster guys will fight to buy me lattes. I'll knit my entire wardrobe - sweaters; scarves; hats. This time next week, I'll probably have finished my first sweater. I can knit everyone's Christmas gifts and all my loved ones will be so touched that I made their present this year. I'll join a knitting group and meet this really fun and exciting knitter, Nancy, and Nancy has a twin brother who is just perfect for me and even though he just broke up with his girlfriend of three years, he is still emotionally available and ready for a serious meaningful relationship.

Ok, enough blogging - I have to get my knit on! Someday, when I'm on Oprah, I'll have to remember to tell Oprah about the day I learned how to knit. I can already tell this is one of those life-changing moments.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Operation: Stay Married

Objective: Stay married until Spring 2010.

Viable Strategies for Implementing Objective: None.

Desperate Strategies for Implementing Objective:
  • Get kidnapped by a cult. Pros: Lose lots of weight because it's a vegan cult. Cons: Where do I begin?
  • Coma. Pros: Lose lots of weight because I'm living off an IV. Cons: I can't go that long without a bikini wax.
  • Go to Antartica to study the penguins. Pros: I like penguins. Cons: Bad cell phone reception.
  • My husband gets kidnapped by a cult and when he's rescued, the shock of civilization sends him into a coma. Pros: Where do I begin? Cons: None.

It's going to be a long winter.