Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hello, 2010.

2009 started so well - at a trendy Hollywood bar, drunk, and making out with a hot stranger. Four minutes later, everything started to go downhill when my friend Sandra threw up on my feet. Since then, it's been a steady descent into an abyss of darkness and despair.

I thought I turned things around last summer when a Secret Admirer sent me flowers. I was intrigued. Three dates - and one very bad bender in Vegas later - I found myself married. The rest is history.

But I am Wendy the Optimistic Cactus and I am convinced that 2010 is going to be an amazing year. Well, at least it will be better than 2009. Or, about the same as 2009.

Ok, look, 2010, I'm going to be straight with you: please have mercy. I am a broken woman. 2009 kicked me in the shins - again and again and again. Just when I thought 2009 and I could be friends, it threw acid in my face and stole my wallet. 2010, I know you are probably going to be a miserable, wretched year but if you just let me divorce my husband Ralph, I can take any other abuse - I can even spend Saturday nights at home. Alone and celibate. Watching Glee reruns.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Worst. Christmas. EVER.

It's official: Ralph is the Worst Husband in the History of Bad Husbands. Excuse me, I have to go compose myself.

Ok, I'm back. I just spent the past 4 hours sobbing hysterically in bed. I think I'm done now. Wait, no.

Ok, I'm really done crying now. My tear ducts are exhausted. When I cry now, it is tearless - I just shake and heave and moan in agony. But I am a strong, independent woman and I do not need Christmas presents to be happy. Good thing, too, because my Christmas presents this year were total crap.

1. My mother gave me a selection of business cards for divorce attorneys that her friends recommend.

2. My single friends would not let me participate in our Annual Single Girls Secret Santa because I am married now and don't need silly single girl gifts like lipstick and shot glasses. I started that gift exchange, damnit!!!

3. Ralph gave me a used vacuum cleaner and a $25 gift certificate to Starbucks. He found the vacuum cleaner in the alley behind our apartment. It probably does not work. Actually, it will probably work just long enough to give me an electric shock and set the carpet on fire.

I've already spent the $25 gift certificate on seasonal flavored frappucinos. I was feeling depressed and thought the sugar would make me feel better. Instead, I felt depressed, ill and fat.

Please go away now.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Feliz Navidad!

It's almost here - CHRISTMAS!!!

This is easily my favorite Christmas ornament. I made it myself last weekend when I was feeling depressed about my marriage.

In 2010, I'm thinking about redecorating my apartment with a bunch of portraits of myself. I have thought about doing this before, but I was worried it might seem a little creepy. Well, now that I have seen myself as a Christmas ornament, I have realized the error of my ways. Of course I should plaster my apartment with images of myself. Everyone knows that men are attracted to confident women.

Merry Christmas! If Ralph didn't spend at least $25,000 on my Christmas presents, I am going to be seriously pissed.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Best Christmas Present Ever

For our annual Christmas present exchange, I gave Miles possibly the greatest Christmas present since the birth of Christ. The wrapping job is a little messy, but it's the thought that counts.

Miles eagerly unwrapped his present and - VIOLA!

IT'S ME! I gave Miles the gift of MYSELF. He gets to be my friend for another year and listen to all the drama in my life and buy me drinks and treat me to expensive pedicures.

Miles was so happy, he collapsed and remained silent for several moments. I told him, "I know, I know, you are too happy to speak." Finally, he began to shudder and cry softly. I said, "I know, I know, you are crying tears of joy." Then Miles started to mutter "selfish, selfish, selfish" but I knew he was just overwhelmed and was trying to say "so incredibly selfess, selfless, selfess."

Tonight, I feel like Wendy the Selfless Cactus.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Bah Humbug

I am just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I loved Christmas as a child -the presents! the tree! the cookies! - but as a mature woman, I came to love Christmas even more. You know why? The Christmas parties! the egg nog! the mistletoe! more egg nog!

But this year, it's different. I can't canoodle with a strange hot man under the mistletoe. (Which means I better not indulge in the egg nog). Instead, I just stay home with my husband and furtively sneak out with my girlfriends when Ralph goes to the bathroom. This weekend, all my girlfriends disappeared. It feels like a conspiracy, but I guess they have dates or maybe someone got the evil swine flu.

I tried decorating our apartment to get me into the Christmas spirit. It didn't work.

Spa Day

The holiday season always wears me out. I needed to go shopping today and buy Miles' present for our annual Christmas gift exchange. Last year, Miles gave me a selection of luxury bath products; I got him a lint brush. In 2007, Miles gave me a luxury cashmere blanket; I gave him a box of q-tips. In 2006, Miles gave me a t.v.; I gave him some old coasters I didn't want anymore. I really need to step it up this year, but I could not bear the thought of the mall - the struggle to find a parking spot; crying children with snotty noses; all the ugly people.

So I got a facial instead.

I love spa treatments! But today, I was disappointed. I wanted to zone out and go to my happy place - a place where I am still single and leading an exciting, glamourous life. But Tanya (the woman giving me my facial) WOULD NOT SHUT UP.

It would have been acceptable if Tanya was asking me a series of thoughtful questions and giving me the chance to vent about all the drama in my life. But no. Tanya would not stop talking about herself. Blahblahblah, me me me, I have breast cancer, blahblahblah, I'm trying to stay optimistic, sigh moan sigh, I'm just so lucky to have such a supportive family. Yeah, cry me a river, Tanya. Thanks for ruining what was supposed to be a relaxing morning. And I still don't have Miles' Christmas present. Crap, I'm the worst friend in the world.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

A Present For Ralph.

I know exactly what Ralph wants for Christmas: he wants me to put out. But that is so not going to happen in this or any lifetime. So I got him this instead:

It's the complete DVD collection of the greatest television show in the history of television: Sex and the City!

I have always wanted to own the complete DVD collection of SATC. I could have bought it for myself, but instead, I bought it for Ralph. Sometimes I am amazed at how incredibly selfless I can be. Ralph is really lucky to be married to such a thoughtful and sacrificing woman.

Look at them - aren't they beautiful? I think I like them better than I like my own friends. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without them. Indeed, my life has felt a little empty ever since the show went off the air. The re-runs on Bravo are just not the same - they edit out all the good bits.

I admire all of the girls, but I identify with Samantha the most. She's just so strong and independent and she sleeps with a lot of hot men. This might sound sentimental, but Samantha is my role model.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Celibacy Update

As you may recall, I am trying to remain married to my husband Ralph for a decent amount of time. I'm concerned that if we get divorced too quickly, men will assume I am unstable, crazy or bad in bed. It would be really easy to stay married to Ralph if I could take a lover. Ralph, however, will immediately divorce me if I cheat on him. (Actually, I believe his exact words were "I'll lock you in a closet until you are on the brink of death and then I'll flay you'll alive," but I have to assume he was speaking in hyperbole. Right?)

Since I cannot take a lover, and it's too early to divorce Ralph, I have no choice but to practice celibacy.

And I am here to tell you that celibacy is a bitch.

These are my options:
1) Divorce Ralph now and spend the rest of my life alone, shunned by hot wealthy men.

2) Experience carnal relations with my husband. (Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth).

3) Throw myself into a new hobby.

A new hobby it is! Knitting did not work out so well, but there has got to be a hobby out there for me. Of course, an unhealthy addiction would be just as an effective.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Vital Statistics

It has been brought to my attention that my audience might be interested in some of my background information. While my daily adventures are extremely exciting, I must agree that all the little details that make up Wendy are equally fascinating.

So, allow me to introduce a new weekly* column That Does Not Have A Name But It Will Be About My Vital Statistics Which Are Extremely Interesting So This Weekly* Column Does Not Need An Interesting Name.

Let's start with some very basic information (I don't want to overwhelm you):

- Favorite colors: Pink, green, red, yellow, and argyle. Sometimes blue and purple.

- Greatest Ambition: To be friends with a Famous Person.

- Biggest Regret: I am not a person who dwells on the past. I accept my mistakes and move on. Oh, who am I kidding? Biggest Regret? Marrying Ralph.

- Favorite Athlete: Beckham because (a) sexy body and (b) he's married to a Spice Girl. I'm not certain what sport he plays but he has a British accent so I think it might be grasshopper or basketball.

- Flaws: None.

* By "weekly," I mean "whenever I feel like it." By "whenever I feel like it," I mean (a) when Ralph is annoying me, (b) there's nothing good on t.v. or (c) I don't want to blog about what's happening in my life at the moment because it is too humiliating.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Dress Rehearsal

I have learned the secret to a successful marriage: Acting. When I was about 11 years old, I had a really bad day at school and I told my grandma I wanted a nose job. Grandma Cactus told me that I am beautiful just the way I am and I should always "be true to myself." Well, I love you Grandma Cactus, but that has got to be the worst advice anyone has ever given me.

Marriage is all about pretending you like your spouse and convincing everyone that you are happy. It has nothing to do with "being true to yourself." This is especially true on Christmas morning.

I expect my husband Ralph is going to shower me with many thoughtful and expensive presents on December 25. Now, when I'm near Ralph, I usually want to vomit. But I don't want to accidentally vomit on my new Manolo Blahnik's. So, I decided I need to practice the things I will say to Ralph on Christmas morning.

(The penguins and snowmen helped me get in the Christmas morning mood).

I am working on the following script for Christmas morning:

- Oh my god, I love you so much! (I will say this while staring at my new expensive purse. Ralph will think I am saying "I love Ralph" but actually, I will be saying "I love you, Prada Purse.")

- Why don't you open the present I bought you? I think you're going to love it... what, you don't want the complete Sex and the City dvd set? Oh shoot, I bought it three months ago. I guess we have to keep it!

- Where are the rest of my presents? Oh, I guess 27 presents is enough you bastard. (I will say this last bit very, very softly - but loud enough so Ralph can hear it.)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Santa Baby

Dear Santa/Husband Ralph,

I want presents. Lots and lots of presents. Expensive presents. Expensive and impractical presents. No vacuum cleaners, sewing machines or toaster ovens for this party girl. On Christmas morning, I expect the following items to be waiting for me under the tree:

(1) A gift certificate to Tiffany's in an amount that involves at least 3 zero's. My self-esteem would really benefit from this gift.

(2) A one week vacation at a luxury spa - ALONE. A pampered wife is a happy wife. Well, a complacent wife. Ok, a pampered wife will probably not kill you in your sleep.

(3) Shoulder pads.

(4) A new purse. I'm not too particular about this one, I'd just like something that Paris Hilton owns.

(5) A pair of Manolo Blahnik's. Nothing black. Think Sex and the City.

(6) Whatever the expensive new "it" gadget is. I don't actually know what this is BUT I WANT IT.

I reserve the right to revise or expand upon the scope of this list. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. Ralph - if you buy me all of these presents, I will probably hate you less.

Wendy T. Cactus

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A Math Lesson

What happens when an unhappy wife finds the key card from her husband's illicit stay at the Embassy Suites?

Well, allow me to answer that question with a math equation:

Angry Wife + Glue Gun = ?

Angry Wife + Glue Gun = Husband with New Hairpiece

Class Dismissed!