Friday, June 3, 2011

Wendy vs. The Cake: Part 3 (The Final Shameful Chapter)

To recap, even though I have been on a strict diet, I decided it would be a good idea to bake a cake. I had been craving cake and reasoned I could overcome my cravings by baking. But then, I frosted the cake, and chocolate frosting is my kryptonite, and then the cake called me a Fat Bitch and said I would die alone while wearing Old Navy jeans. I blacked out and went bat shit crazy on the cake. I am not proud of what happened.

I burrowed into the cake like a rabid meerkat.

It was not my finest hour.

For a moment, I regained my self-control. I thought everything was going to be okay.


But the smell of chocolate frosting was too intoxicating and even though I was on the verge of exploding, I dove back for more cake.  The feeding frenzy was not yet over.

Finally, I passed out.  Look at me.  I'm like a beached whale in a bakery. 

 I feel ashamed and fat.  Very, very fat.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Wendy vs. The Cake, Part 2

Since I had been craving cake all week, I thought it would be a good idea to bake a cake.  I wasn't actually going to eat the cake, ok?  I just thought it would be therapeutic to go through the motions of baking a cake.  Then, I would throw it out and feel stronger than ever.

Except I forgot about my chocolate frosting problem.  It's my kryptonite. 

The cake called out my name.  Literally.

I was powerless before the chocolate frosting.  I listened, spellbound, to the cake:

Look, I can handle being called a fat bitch, and I can even handle being told I will die alone.  But there is absolutely no way I would ever be caught dead in a pair of Old Navy jeans.

This is when I lost control and blacked out.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Wendy vs. The Cake: Part One

I have been tormented by a box of cake mix for the past week.  I sought guidance from my guru.  He told me to stop being so shallow.   

I have been following a very strict diet so I can be as gorgeous and sexually desirable as possible.  A yellow cake with chocolate frosting is NOT part of my diet.  But baking a yellow cake with chocolate frosting?  That's okay! 

I preheated the oven to 350 degrees... 

I gathered all the ingredients... 

and mixed everything together.   I could feel myself growing stronger...

I slowly poured the batter into the cake pans...

I have been obsessing about this cake for over a week.  I have dreamed about its taste, its smell, its texture... But you know what? Baking a cake is just as satisfying as eating a cake.

I am amazing.  I baked a cake and did not even taste the batter.  I did not even want to taste the batter! I am a pillar of strength and inspiration.

Finally, I frosted the cake.

And then... all hell broke loose.  In hindsight, I probably should have skipped the last step.  We all have lines that we should not cross, and my line is apparently made from chocolate frosting. 

My therapist says I should blog about what happened after I frosted the cake.  But I'm not ready to return to that dark, dark place.

Please go away now.