Where the Eff Did This Come From?

I went to the grocery story to stock up on cabbage.  I am on a Cabbage Cleanse.  The only thing I am allowed to eat is cabbage.  I really do not want to talk about it because the word "cabbage" makes me throw up in my mouth and weep uncontrollably.

When I got home, I found the devil hiding in my shopping bag:

Some people think the Pillsbury Doughboy is cute and friendly, but I know better.  The Pillsbury Doughboy is one of Satan's minions.  Just look at that evil smile and those vacant eyes, and oh, that diabolical laugh when you poke his adorable tummy...  He's insane!  The Pillsbury Doughboy was sent to earth to torment dieters and lure them into temptation. This box of Moist Supreme Yellow Cake Mix is my spiritual trial.

But there is more.  The Pillsbury Doughboy is a clever bastard.  The cake mix is evil, but the chocolate icing?  I would never have put that in my shopping cart.  Well done, Pillsbury Doughboy, well done.

The Pillsbury Doughboy thinks I am weak and will devour the chocolate icing.  But no.  I have incredible will power.  I am going to put the cake mix and icing in my cupboards.  I will gaze longingly at them and whisper sweet nothings to them while I stew my cabbage, but I will not eat them.  The devil is going to have to try harder if he wants to break this dieter's spirit.

Altoids. Joy.

I know so many women who accidentally lose weight - oh I was so busy working/studying, that I forgot to eat; I was so depressed, I didn't want to eat; I was so happy, I just spent my days skipping through fields and never had time to eat.

I have never had this sort of problem.  I am capable of eating and gaining weight under any and all circumstances.  But last November, I got divorced and decided it was time to get skinny and gorgeous. I stopped eating tasty and delicious foods.  Instead, I have just been eating tasteless things like raw cauliflower and sprouts.

One problem: I miss flavor.  Yesterday, I found a stick of butter in the fridge and last night, I had some very naughty dreams.  Jenny Craig would gasp with horror if she knew about my dreams. 

Now, all I want to do is eat butter.  I'd love to have some butter that has been mixed up with some chocolate and flour and sugar and transformed into a spectacular dessert.  But I'm desperate.  I'll just eat a stick of raw butter.  I don't even need a piece of toast. 

But I don't want to undo all my hard work.  If I eat butter, I will gain back all my weight and then my girlfriends will make fun of me behind my back.  So, in order to stay on my diet, I am letting myself have a special treat: altoids!

Three altoids = 10 calories.  I have been very good today.  I have only eaten 97 altoids. If I close my eyes and think about chocolate cake, it almost feels like I am eating something delicious.

I hate my life.

I Want To Do Unholy Things With This Butter

When I first joined my ultra-hip ashram, I cleared out all the junk food from my house.  I think a lot of ashrams are about enlightenment and meditating, but this is Los Angeles, and in Los Angeles, it is very important to be as hot and desirable as possible.  I joined my ashram because my guru has helped a lot of movie stars lose weight.

I restocked my fridge with cabbage, carrot sticks and cottage cheese.  When I have a craving for something that tastes good, it's ok - there is nothing good to eat in the house.  Once, I thought I would die if I did not have a piece of chocolate, so I flushed my car keys down the toilet.  (My building's manager was SO pissed at me.  He's so unreasonable).

This morning, though, I found a stick of butter lurking behind a rotting eggplant.  Have you ever seen anything so beautiful in your life?  I have been fantasizing about the butter all day.  Very shameful fantasies. 

I know I should throw out the butter.  I will.  Later.  Or maybe I'll just rub it all over my body so I can smell the butter wherever I go.

Green Tea Tastes Like Cat Pee

I have been following a strict diet that my guru recommended for the past several months. It has been very effective.  I have lost a lot of weight and have a slamming hot body.  But, I really miss eating things that taste good.  I mostly eat cabbage and drink a lot of green tea.

Oh look, it's Sunday afternoon AND I GET TO HAVE ANOTHER CUP OF GREEN TEA OH PLEASE PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY NOW.

Oh look at the green tea steeping.  Oh I am so excited to have this cup of green tea.  It is going to make me feel so enlightened.  I am so grateful for my guru and his wisdom.  OH MY GOD I WOULD GIVE UP FIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR A DIET COKE OR A CUP OF COFFEE OH SWEET BEAUTIFUL COFFEE ELIXIR OF THE GODS. 

Oh look, ya-ay, the green tea is ready to drink now.  Mmm, it smells like cat pee.  Really, I do not miss coffee or coke.  Who needs soda?  I WILL TRADE MY ETERNAL SOUL FOR A SINGLE SIP OF DIET COKE.  OH HELL I'LL TRADE MY ETERNAL SOUL FOR A SIP OF DIET RITE OR THAT CRAPPY GENERIC BRAND OF COLA THEY SELL AT COSTCO.

I miss flavor.

How to Read My Blog

I do not have time to update this blog every day.  I have lots of important things to do, e.g. picking my signature nail polish shade.

But, even though I do not have time to blog daily, I still recommend that my readers visit my blog at least once a day.  Actually, you should probably read my blog at least two or three times a day in order to soak up as much Wendy-ness as possible. Just pore over the archives whenever you are feeling sad or lonely.  My blog is inspirational. 

I need more nail polish. These colors are so February 2011.