Monday, March 28, 2011

Recommended Reading

After my daily yoga practice, I like to devote myself to at least an hour of inspirational reading.

This is my bible.  It is a source of endless inspiration.  I admire celebrities so much and hope, that by studying In Touch, I can share in their happiness.  Famous people must be so happy.

Oh my god, I love the Kardashians.  If I ever have a daughter, I will name her Kourtney Kimberly. I need these shoes.  I will be happier if I buy these shoes.

Oh, I could just spend all day flipping through gossip magazines.  When my guru suggested I spend time reflecting upon inspirational literature, In Touch was the first thing I thought of.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I Am Not A "Regular" Woman!

I used to just take taxis everywhere because it made me feel like a character on Sex and the City.  (I think of myself as a Carrie-Samantha-Charlotte hybrid.  Once, several years ago, I had a Miranda Morning.  It was unsettling).

But then I saw a photograph of Britney Spears driving a car and I had an epiphany: I need a car.

I love my car.  I drive it everywhere.  But holy crap, when did gas get so expensive!?

My mom suggested I just fill up with Regular Gas.  As if!  I am not regular, and I would rather die than use regular gasoline.  My car gets the most expensive fuel available, end of discussion.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Traffic. SIGH.

I have a very busy schedule: yoga classes; meditation at the ashram; spa visits; and shopping at the mall.  I do not have time for traffic!  Sometimes, between yoga classes and shopping for cute outfits to wear to my yoga classes, I feel like I am just moments away from a total nervous breakdown.  I just have so many obligations to juggle.

I do not know how I would cope if I ever had to get to job and commute to an office [shudder] and deal with the Los Angeles morning commute. 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

I Miss Coffee. A Lot.

Why does everyone assume I had plastic surgery?  Readers, please, my parents gave me a nose job for my 16th birthday and that is it.  I did not get any implants or have liposuction.  This is just me, looking fabulous, now that I have embraced a healthier lifestyle.  I practice yoga, I drink green tea and I meditate three times a day.  I only eat and drink health foods. I do not poison my body with things like chocolate or alcohol.

My guru also says that caffeine is a toxin that must be avoided on the path to spiritual enlightenment.

Sometimes, I really hate my guru.

This morning, I went to breakfast.  I ordered a cup of coffee.  Then, I just sat and gazed at the sweet, beautiful elixer.  I let the heavenly smell slowly waft towards me. I almost had a profoundly spiritual moment.

Then I drank the entire cup of coffee in one gulp and burnt the back of my tongue. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Indignity of Being Single

When I have to go to the hardware store, I feel so deeply, painfully ashamed of myself. Nothing screams "pathetic lonely spinster" like a woman roaming the aisles of a hardware store alone. 

A woman does not belong in a hardware store unless she is escorted by a big, strong man who is going to take her shoe shopping just after they pick up a triple ply bunt. 

I think I can handle being single if I can just avoid ever having to go to a hardware store again.

Next time, I will just pay a homeless man to go into the store with me.  Then I will not feel quite so self-conscious.

Monday, March 14, 2011

I Just Wish I Was Ordinary.

Sometimes, I wish I was ordinary.  Being special is EXHAUSTING.

I am the most charismatic person I know and you know something?  Charisma takes a lot of work.  I cannot spare any extra energy for things like Daylight Savings Time.  My talent is too important for things like "time changes" and "getting out of bed on time."

Sunday, March 13, 2011


Last September, I was not looking so good.  Some would say I looked "rough" or maybe even "haggard."  So I decided it was time to make some changes. I substituted green tea for vodka, carrot sticks for donuts, and yoga for self-destructive behavior.  I did NOT have plastic surgery, okay?  I am here to silence all of the haters who have suggested I went under the knife in order to achieve my current state of perfection and gorgeousosity.  I did not get any implants, injections or nips and tucks. 

Okay.  There might have been a little botox.  But this is L.A. and that is it, I swear.

As you might recall, this was me, the 2010 version:

And, ta da!  The new and improved, lightly Botoxed Wendy:

I don't think I look that different.  It's very subtle and tasteful.  I attribute my improved appearance entirely to the green tea.