Monday, April 5, 2010

Dating Disasters

I have been too busy to blog because I have been on a man hunt. I have gone on 17 first dates. I rejected the first 16 candidates but No. 17, oh my. He is just too lovely for words. I am going to seduce him.

They say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I would like to modify that old adage - the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach if you know how to cook. If your cooking repetoire is limited to rice krispies treats and toast, then the quickest way to a man's heart is with Jell-o shots.

No. 17 is taking me out to dinner tonight. Afterwards, I am going to invite him into my apartment; tell him to ignore Ralph (who will probably be weeping on the couch); and then ply him with jello shots. This strategy worked wonders for me during college so it ought to work tonight.

I carefully read the instructions on the Jell-O package. I was surprised that the instructions are only for non-alcoholic Jell-O - seriously? Does anyone actually buy this crap, planning to make a non-alcoholic version?

I added the powder to this beautiful heirloom plastic bowl that I got at Party City for like $1.49. Hey, stop laughing. As I have mentioned before, I was cheated out of a wedding and never got to register for expensive gifts, so my kitchen supplies are a little lacking. I own wine glasses, champagne glasses, 2 cereal bowls, and that's pretty much it.

I carefully measured the water. It was difficult to concentrate because Ralph was curled up in the fetal position, by the dishwasher, and sobbing hysterically. I blame Ralph for what happened next:

Disaster! My beautiful plastic heirloom bowl COLLAPSED when I added the hot water. Thank god this happened before I mixed in the vodka.

I'm never getting laid.