Cigarettes - A Saga Continues.

Ok, so I am not yet addicted to cigarettes. So, I can't quit smoking. But I refuse to accept defeat.

I spent an hour this afternoon trying to muster the courage to open the pack of cigarettes. The camel would not stop taunting me.


Finally, I managed to open the pack of cigarettes. Victory!

WTF - foil? It's like the Christmas present from hell. I need a nap. Seriously, how does anyone ever manage to get addicted to cigarettes? It's so complicated!

Smoking: Day One.

I bought my first pack of cigarettes this morning. Camel, with filters (whatever the hell that means). I decided to buy this brand of cigarettes because I like the camel. It looks bad-ass.


When I got home, I stared at the cigarettes. I was hypnotized by the camel. But something felt off. The moment did not feel right.

Much better.

My next goal is to actually open the pack of cigarettes. Baby steps.

Long Time No Blog.

Hello! I'm sorry, I sort of fell off the blogging map. I just went into a total spa coma during the weekend. It was glorious.

Did you know that May 31 is World No Tobacco Day? It's a day where smokers across the world all quit smoking at once. I have always wanted to quit smoking. Ok, so I do no actually smoke. So, I guess I need to start smoking first before I can quit.

I'll start smoking today! And then I'll be a hardcore smoker for a few days and I'll quit smoking on May 31. I can't possibly get addicted to cigarettes between today and May 31.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

Just a quick hello - and kisses - before the holiday weekend. It looks like my readers think I should drink an obscene amount of alcohol this weekend, but I am going to rise above your expectations. I am going to a SPA this weekend and I am going to commune with nature and be super healthy. Jealous?

It's Only Wednesday??

Mother of God, I am exhausted. The three day weekend cannot arrive fast enough. It feels like it must at least be Thursday, but no, it is only stupid stinky Wednesday.

I was running around running errands and just collapsed from exhaustion. I did not even have the strength to lay down on the bed or the couch.

Here is another photo of Exhausted Wendy. As you can see, I have not moved at all. This photo is a little blurry which gives the photo a nice artistic finish. Also, it makes me look younger.

Another Blog Entry.

My Cherished Readers:

Tonight, I intended to blog about my weekend (hint: it was Amazing). But first, I watched the season finale of Lost. And wow, now my brain is full and I am too overwhelmed to tell you about the greatest nachos ever or the smudged mascara incident. I'm sorry, it would have made for an excellent blog entry.

Instead, I am going to post a photo of Yours Truly, contemplating the ocean. The dark blue bit is the ocean, and the light blue bit is the sky. I am the adorable green cactus sitting on the fence post.

Blondes Have More Fun!

I have a date tomorrow night with Max Who Likes Blondes (according to his Match.Com profile). Does this look natural? Look, I know what you're thinking, and I disagree. Some men actually need to be deceived before they can fall in love. After we are madly in love and get engaged and have two or three kids, then I can tell Max Who Likes Blondes that I'm not actually a blonde.

Is the hat too much?

Is It Lupus?

Larry is sick. He showed up at my apartment last night (drunk) while I was watching t.v. with Miles and Chicken. Larry started crying that he was dying. At first, I thought he was just faking a fatal disease so he could get me into bed without buying me a drink. But take a look at this:

What the hell is that?! It's growing on Larry's leg and I nearly threw up when I saw it. I wanted to take Larry to the emergency room but he insisted it was probably just a sprain. I am skeptical.

Larry also looks taller. And take a look at his head. That is not normal. Could Larry have lupus? I mean, just look at that thing on his leg. That is quite possibly the nastiest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Miles actually started to dry heave and had to leave the room.

I should have made Chicken go to the other room. He had nightmares. I think he will need therapy. Can anyone recommend a therapist that has done good work with poultry?

It's like a train wreck. I can't stop looking!

Meet Chicken.

This is Chicken! (Chicken would say hello, but he can only 'peep,' poor thing.)


I was going to adopt Chicken on Saturday but then I had a panic attack. What if I meet the man of my dreams and we don't have time to go on a romantic date because Chicken has a nasty rash? Or, what if I meet the man of the dreams and he hates birds? Or what if I'm at a bar, and I meet the man of my dreams, but he just laughs because I am covered in feather bits and smell like a chicken coop?


I was feeling guilty about my reservations, but then something magical happened - Chicken met Miles.

It became immediately apparent that Chicken belongs to Miles. So Miles adopted Chicken, and now I am Chicken's aunt. Or maybe I am a pet-owner-in-law? Whatever, I am going to spoil Chicken rotten.

p.s. This final photo is so friggin' cute, I could vomit.

Flashback

I graduated from BFU (Benjamin Franklin University - go Light Bulbs!) nine years ago this May. Look at how young I look!

Oh my god, do you know what this means? I only have one year to get ready for my 10 Year Reunion. Holy Crap! I have to start dieting tomorrow. Except I'm meeting friends for happy hour. S_#t. Ok, Tuesday. And if I don't lose enough weight, I'll just pretend I'm dead. Or maybe I'll pretend I married an Irish prince and it is too dangerous for me to attend the reunion.

Exciting News!

I have discovered the secret to unconditional love: Adopt a Pet.

I am sorry that I have not been blogging much of late, but I am just so busy. I am adopting a pet later today and there is just so much to do. Aack! I'm behind schedule.

Have a good weekend! Kisses!

Oink?

Can anyone tell me what happened to the pandemic?

Thanks to the media, I came to the conclusion that I was probably going to die from swine flu. I went to the drugstore and bought what can only be described as a lifetime supply of tylenol and theraflu. There is a slight possibility that I overreacted.


Gratuitous aerial view photo. If anyone needs Tylenol, I'm your cactus.

Arriba! Cinco de Mayo!

I never need a reason to drink heavily. But, sometimes, a girl does need an excuse to get drunk while wearing a silly hat.

And that is why I love Cinco de Mayo.

Here is a a sideview of my sombrero. I am going out tomorrow night; I am going to drink heavily; I am not going to think about Larry; and I am going to meet the love of my life. Feliz Navidad!

Survey Says:

According to the results from my latest poll, the sun will come out tomorrow. Wow. I am stunned. I did not realize my readers are so lame and optimistic. I suppose you also think the glass is half full. Well, let me tell you about the glass. It is EMPTY. There are maybe a couple of drops of beer left in the glass, but that's really not beer anymore - it's just Larry's backwash because he drank all your beer while you were paying the bartender.

Here is a photo of me with a cup of coffee. Look, I'm sorry, but I've got nothing else. Do you know what I did this weekend? I cried; I ate way too much ice cream; and I drunk dialed Larry. After binging on about seven gallons of ice cream, I look like a porpoise, so I'm posting this photo instead.

I miss my dignity.

Hurry! Vote!

Hurry up and vote in my poll!

Voting in a Wendy Survey is really easy - even if you did badly on the math section of the SAT. If you can turn your computer on, you can vote in my poll.

Voting in a Wendy Survey is also GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH. Voting in a Wendy Survey has the following immediate health benefits:

• improved night vision
• ability to find cute clothes at Ross
• eliminates lactose intolerance
• if a bad song is stuck in your head, taking the Wendy Survey unstucks said bad song
• rosier complexion
• your lame pick-ups lines will actually sound kind of good.

Yes We Can!