Friday, April 29, 2011

Probiotics: The Secret to a Slamming Hot Body

My friend Lucy is the biggest bitch in the world, but she hosts fabulous parties.  I pretend to like her because I love going to her parties, but I secretly hate her because she has a slamming hot body.  During her last party, I snooped through her medicine cabinet to see if I could discover any beauty secrets. Guess what I found?  Like eight bottles of probiotics. 

Probiotics have always creeped me out.  I mean, why would I willingly ingest something that allegedlly has "a minimum of 2 billion live, active L. acidophilus DDS-1 super strain..." The translation for that is "expensive pond scum for health nuts."

But, if Lucy takes probiotics, then I need to take probiotics.  I went to Wholefoods and bought the most expensive bottle of probiotics.  Now that I am taking probiotics, I can probably pig out and stop exercising and I'll still have a slamming hot body.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Investigative Reading

I do not understand men.  I am a beautiful, sexy, well-adjusted and emotionally mature woman ... and yet, I am single.  Men should be following me around like a pack of wild dogs, just to get a whiff of my pheromones.  I need to know more about the Male Mind so I can find my wealthy, handsome soul mate and have an expensive wedding.

I bought a copy of Men's Health to do some investigative reading.  This is obviously a reputable resource.  One of the cover articles is "Look You Best Now!" and appearances are the most important thing. 

Oh.  Oh my.  This is an interesting ad. Why aren't there ads like this in women's magazines? 

Well, hello!  My name is Wendy.  You are so beautiful.

Oh gentle Jesus.

I might need to subscribe to Men's Health.  For the articles, of course.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I Am More Interesting Than The Royal Wedding

I tried reading about the upcoming royal wedding but it is just the most boring thing ever.  When I look at a photo of Prince William, my soul dies a little.  That's Prince Charming??? You've got to be kidding me. 

I have several sources close to the royal family, and they have all advised me the wedding is going to be dreadfully dull.  I am boycotting any coverage about the wedding, and I am certainly not going to buy any commemorative china. 

Rather than read about the nuptials of Prince Going Bald and Kate Making A Big Mistake, I just spent some extra time this morning gazing at myself in the mirror.

I love looking at myself in the mirror.  I could do it all day.  I am just so much more interesting than politics, royal weddings, natural disasters and even Oprah.  Yes, I went there: I am more interesting than Oprah.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Ugh - Slow Internet

My internet connection is being cranky and slow today.  It is such a diva.  I suppose I could post something without a photo, but what is the point of that?  I know I am charming and witty, and I know my readers want to know every detail about my existence.  But I am also the World's Most Gorgeous and Sexually Attractive Cactus.  I consider it my responsibility - no, my moral obligation - to post as many photos of myself on this blog.  I promise, I will post tons of photos as soon as my diva internet connection behaves!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Temptation, Thy Name Is Peeps!

Yesterday I had an unfortunate encouter with a Peeps.  I have been adhering to a strict diet of green tea and water this week because my guru recommended a Toxins Cleanse.  I have felt amazing - my skin is glowing, I have tons of energy, and I have lost weight.  But then, I encountered the devil in the guise of a Peeps.  I tried to resist temptation, but...

Please go away now.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Easter Candy! Or, My Cadbury Obsession

Most people assume that Halloween is the best holiday for candy.  Fools!  Halloween is about miniature packages of the candy you can buy year round.  Who wants that?  I do not need to go trick-or-treating for miniature Snickers that might be laced with arsenic.  There is also candy corn, but candy corn tastes like stale sugar.  I always feel obligated to eat one candy corn to honor the season, and then that one candy corn triggers a Massive Candy Corn Binge and afterwards, I feel nothing but deep shame and self-loathing.

Readers, forget Halloween.  Easter is the King of Candy Holidays.  Jelly beans!  Peeps!  Chocolate bunnies! 

And of course, there is the greatest Easter candy of all: Cadbury Creme Eggs.

Excuse me, I get very emotional when I talk about Cadbury Creme Eggs.  Since I joined an ashram and have embraced a yogic lifestyle, I am only supposed to eat natural foods.  I asked my guru if I could celebrate Easter with a Cadbury Creme Egg.  He said "No."  I went home and wept with frustration.  I decided I deserve one Cadbury Creme Egg.  It might delay my Cosmic Enlightment by two or three weeks, but that is a small price to pay for the hard chocolate shell and the fondant yolk.

I have been hoarding my Cadbury Creme Egg since February.  Isn't it glorious?  Sometimes, I unwrap the foil and sniff the chocolate.  It is intoxicating.  I cannot wait to eat my Cadbury Creme Egg, but not yet.... not yet.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I Got An iPhone!

I am an incredibly sexy cactus.  Just look at me: I ooze sex appeal.  But, I am always looking for new ways to increase my desirability.  That is why I recently invested in an iPhone.

How did I ever manage to meet men with my crappy boring regular cellphone?  If you saw me at a bar texting with this abomination, would you ask me for my digits?  Of course not! No one wants to date a woman with an outdated cell phone.

But look at me now - hallelujah!  Just look at how the iPhone accentuates my curves. 

The iPhone enhances my seductive powers.  The way I caress the screen as I play Angry Birds ... it just drives the men wild!