Probiotics: The Secret to a Slamming Hot Body

My friend Lucy is the biggest bitch in the world, but she hosts fabulous parties.  I pretend to like her because I love going to her parties, but I secretly hate her because she has a slamming hot body.  During her last party, I snooped through her medicine cabinet to see if I could discover any beauty secrets. Guess what I found?  Like eight bottles of probiotics. 

Probiotics have always creeped me out.  I mean, why would I willingly ingest something that allegedlly has "a minimum of 2 billion live, active L. acidophilus DDS-1 super strain..." The translation for that is "expensive pond scum for health nuts."

But, if Lucy takes probiotics, then I need to take probiotics.  I went to Wholefoods and bought the most expensive bottle of probiotics.  Now that I am taking probiotics, I can probably pig out and stop exercising and I'll still have a slamming hot body.