Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Vampire Upstairs.

I live on the second floor of a four story apartment building. Last night, around 3:45 a.m., I came to an important conclusion: my upstairs neighbor is probably a vampire.

I don't know if the resident in Unit 314 is male or female, but I do know that s/he is nocturnal. Now that I am a pampered housewife (ok, so marriage has a few perks), I spend a lot more time in my apartment. What is the point of going outside and being productive when there is so much good t.v. that needs to be watched? When I am home watching my soaps and Ellen, I never hear a sound from Unit 314. It's as if the unit is abandoned during sunlight hours.

The noises start a little after midnight. I usually sleep with ear plugs to drown out The Vampire's cacophony, but I had to wake up by 11 a.m. today to meet some girlfriends for brunch and I was afraid that I would sleep through my alarm if I was wearing ear plugs. This is what I heard last night from Unit 314:

- Closet doors opening loudly (all the apartments have heavy sliding mirrored closet doors).
- Closet doors closing loudly.
- Vampire stalks around apartment.
- Vampire goes to bathroom. Flushes toilet 4-5 times.
- More foot pounding - maybe there are multiple vampires upstairs? How many coffins can you fit in a one bedroom apartment?
- Closet doors opening loudly...
REPEAT 97 times between midnight and 4 a.m.

Then, the Vampire takes a shower. Flushes the toilet a few more times. And then, finally, silence. I don't even want to think about the rituals going on upstairs. Something sinister must be happening because there is no other reason why anyone would open and close their closets 97 or 98 times IN THE MIDDLE OF THE G.D. NIGHT.

Alternatively, my upstairs neighbor is a college student with college student hours who has a closet door compulsion. I feel compelled to reject this theory because it is last exciting than my Vampire Hypothesis.

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