Why I Would Make An Excellent Celebrity.

Earlier today, I was feeling very depressed because I am not rich, famous and wildly happy. But then JoJo took me out for an expensive pedicure and champagne brunch (at 2 p.m.) and after my third glass of champagne, I felt better. I realized that even though I am not yet famous, I will be famous soon - probably in the next 4-6 weeks - and I am going to be an excellent celebrity. There are many, many reasons that I will be an excellent celebrity and I do not have time to share all those reasons here, because, quite frankly, I need to go watch the season premiere of Lost. But these are the most important reasons:

1. I love attention.

2. I once spent a lot of time trying to become friends with a certain actor on a certain hit television series. I would tell you his name, but my lawyer says I should avoid specifics when I share this particular story. Anyway, I figured out where this actor lived and I spent a little more time than usual in his neighborhood, and I might have gone through his trash. The actor said I was a "stalker" but I don't like that label. It's not right to call me a stalker because I am very charismatic and once the actor got to know me, he would have wanted to be my friend. So, when I am a celebrity, I know I will be good at distinguishing between Stalkers (which I am not) and Persistent Potential Friends.

3. I am very photogenic and look exceptionally good in all sorts of accessories, for example, this lovely crown:



4. I am dealing with the ruins of a disastrous marriage, which gives me an aura of intrigue and tragedy.

5. I am a veteran of fad diets and would never subject myself to the principles of "sensible nutrition" and "exercise." Way too dull.