Worst. Valentine's Day. Ever.

Valentine's Day, I knewyou were going to be bad . But, congratulations, you exceeded my expectations. Here is a photo of what Ralph gave me:

















It's nothing. Ralph gave me a big fat NOTHING for Valentine's Day. Let's recap: my husband is desperate for my approval and affection; we finally have a night of drunken sex; I might be pregnant with his child; and then Ralph decides to pass on the whole Valentine's Day romance thing? Are you $%#ing kidding me?

I don't want to be pregnant. I'll get fat and lose my girlish figure. Then I'll have to take care of the baby, and babies smell bad and make a lot of noise. Also, Ralph is really ugly, so if he got me knocked up, the baby will be 50% troll ugly. How can I be expected to love an ugly troll baby?

Dear Period: remember how I was complaining about how much I hate you and how I never want to have my period again? I was lying. I love you. Please come back. Love, Wendy