Worst. Christmas. EVER.

It's official: Ralph is the Worst Husband in the History of Bad Husbands. Excuse me, I have to go compose myself.

Ok, I'm back. I just spent the past 4 hours sobbing hysterically in bed. I think I'm done now. Wait, no.

Ok, I'm really done crying now. My tear ducts are exhausted. When I cry now, it is tearless - I just shake and heave and moan in agony. But I am a strong, independent woman and I do not need Christmas presents to be happy. Good thing, too, because my Christmas presents this year were total crap.

1. My mother gave me a selection of business cards for divorce attorneys that her friends recommend.

2. My single friends would not let me participate in our Annual Single Girls Secret Santa because I am married now and don't need silly single girl gifts like lipstick and shot glasses. I started that gift exchange, damnit!!!

3. Ralph gave me a used vacuum cleaner and a $25 gift certificate to Starbucks. He found the vacuum cleaner in the alley behind our apartment. It probably does not work. Actually, it will probably work just long enough to give me an electric shock and set the carpet on fire.

I've already spent the $25 gift certificate on seasonal flavored frappucinos. I was feeling depressed and thought the sugar would make me feel better. Instead, I felt depressed, ill and fat.

Please go away now.