Thursday, December 10, 2009

Celibacy Update

As you may recall, I am trying to remain married to my husband Ralph for a decent amount of time. I'm concerned that if we get divorced too quickly, men will assume I am unstable, crazy or bad in bed. It would be really easy to stay married to Ralph if I could take a lover. Ralph, however, will immediately divorce me if I cheat on him. (Actually, I believe his exact words were "I'll lock you in a closet until you are on the brink of death and then I'll flay you'll alive," but I have to assume he was speaking in hyperbole. Right?)

Since I cannot take a lover, and it's too early to divorce Ralph, I have no choice but to practice celibacy.

And I am here to tell you that celibacy is a bitch.

These are my options:
1) Divorce Ralph now and spend the rest of my life alone, shunned by hot wealthy men.

2) Experience carnal relations with my husband. (Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth).

3) Throw myself into a new hobby.

A new hobby it is! Knitting did not work out so well, but there has got to be a hobby out there for me. Of course, an unhealthy addiction would be just as an effective.

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