Monday, December 7, 2009

Dress Rehearsal

I have learned the secret to a successful marriage: Acting. When I was about 11 years old, I had a really bad day at school and I told my grandma I wanted a nose job. Grandma Cactus told me that I am beautiful just the way I am and I should always "be true to myself." Well, I love you Grandma Cactus, but that has got to be the worst advice anyone has ever given me.

Marriage is all about pretending you like your spouse and convincing everyone that you are happy. It has nothing to do with "being true to yourself." This is especially true on Christmas morning.

I expect my husband Ralph is going to shower me with many thoughtful and expensive presents on December 25. Now, when I'm near Ralph, I usually want to vomit. But I don't want to accidentally vomit on my new Manolo Blahnik's. So, I decided I need to practice the things I will say to Ralph on Christmas morning.

(The penguins and snowmen helped me get in the Christmas morning mood).

I am working on the following script for Christmas morning:

- Oh my god, I love you so much! (I will say this while staring at my new expensive purse. Ralph will think I am saying "I love Ralph" but actually, I will be saying "I love you, Prada Purse.")

- Why don't you open the present I bought you? I think you're going to love it... what, you don't want the complete Sex and the City dvd set? Oh shoot, I bought it three months ago. I guess we have to keep it!

- Where are the rest of my presents? Oh, I guess 27 presents is enough you bastard. (I will say this last bit very, very softly - but loud enough so Ralph can hear it.)

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