Saturday, February 27, 2010
I WANT A WEDDING!
Instead, I accidentally got married in Vegas while on a "romantic" weekend trip with a man I had been dating for two weeks. I only went to Vegas with Ralph because I was feeling fat and vulnerable and lonely and wanted some free booze. And now Veronica is living my dream! She got the romantic proposal; she gets to torture a battalion of bridesmaids; and I get crap. No, worse - I get to waste my Saturday pretending to be excited about bridesmaid dresses.
Do you know how hard it is to pretend that you are interested in color swatches when you are secretly dying inside? Also, it's really unfair that Veronica gets to have this wedding because she is just the dumbest bride ever. She actually wants the bridesmaids to look pretty and feel comfortable in attractive dresses!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Friday Night Lament
And to make matters worse, you will not believe what happened. One of my best friends got engaged! Wait, it's worse: her fiance is a total catch - tall, handsome, smart and he even likes watching American Idol.
Wait, it gets even more depressing: I'm a bridesmaid. How am I supposed to pretend to be happy for my friend's perfect life - while wearing a shiny dress that makes me look like a fat ugly beast - when I am married to Ralph?
We're going shopping tomorrow for bridesmaid dresses. Just kill me now. If I start drinking tonight, I might be drunk enough by tomorrow morning to handle the torture.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Wendy the Painfully Nerdy Cactus
Sunday, February 21, 2010
On The Benefits of Emotional Eating
I felt alone and needy. I wanted a strong drink, but I'm still recovering from my last bender. So I turned to Snap, Crackle and Pop instead.
I hate Snap, Crackle and Pop. Look at them. They look all happy and smug. Seriously, they are GLOWING. You know what I'm talking about. They are literally GLOWING over a bowl of freaking cereal. Look, I've been celibate for longer than I care to discuss, and even I don't get that excited about a bowl of cereal. (Except for Lucky Charms. Ok, and Frosted Flakes).
I'm actually not a big cereal person. I usually skip breakfast to save on calories. ("Breakfast is the most important meal of the day" my ass). But mix in some marshmallows and butter, and hello! I am a big supporter of Emotional Eating. Did your dog just die? Order a pizza AND EAT THE ENTIRE THING. Did your best friend just get engaged to a really hot doctor? You need french fries, brownies, and margaritas. And did your husband choose Wheel of Fortune over wild drunken sex?!? Make Rice Krispies Treats and start to eat the entire tray until you get sick, and then suck it up damnit and finish the tray.
Excuse me, please go away now. I am about to share a very intimate moment with the Rice Krispies treats.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I'm Not Pregnant!
I snorted. What? He's psychic now?
But no, for possibly the first time in his life, Ralph knew what he was talking about. He told me, "That night we were drunk, we did not make love." [make love?? gag]. He continued, "Wendy, I would not take advantage of you in that way. I love you, and I want this relationship to work." I think he said some more things about "trust" and "true love" but I tuned him out. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. We didn't have sex when I was drunk? How could he possibly resist my overwhelming beauty and sex appeal when I was helpless? What, is Ralph too good for drunken sex?
But yay, at least I'm not pregnant.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
What I Will Look Like If I Am Pregnant (Hint: Obese)
I asked my friend Maggie to help me visualize what I will look like when I'm 7-9 months pregnant. Maggie is very artistic (she owns markers) and considered going to medical school when she was a college freshman. Maggie imagined two scenarios.
On the right, we see the "Sexy Pregnant Mama like Angeline Jolie." I gain some weight, all in my belly. On the left, we see gross, obese, miserable Wendy. I gain a lot of weight, everywhere and become Wendy the Walrus (although it looks like I might actually have some junk in my trunk).
Is it just me, or are these drawings total crap? It looks like there's a breast growing out of the side of my face. And in the walrus scenario, my head gets fat. Ok, so my cheeks might get a little puffy but am I really supposed to believe that my head is going to be encased in a protective layer of fat?
It's probably a good thing that Maggie did not go to medical school and became a lawyer instead.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Valentine's Post-Mortem
I tried to be sweet and grateful, but just look at this thing. This is quite possibly the most tragic piece of Valentine's candy I have ever seen. I am gorgeous, witty and nurturing. I deserve chocolates, roses and diamonds. I might be carrying Ralph's baby, and he gets me a piece of discounted candy? I got better candy from my fifth grade boyfriend!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Worst. Valentine's Day. Ever.
It's nothing. Ralph gave me a big fat NOTHING for Valentine's Day. Let's recap: my husband is desperate for my approval and affection; we finally have a night of drunken sex; I might be pregnant with his child; and then Ralph decides to pass on the whole Valentine's Day romance thing? Are you $%#ing kidding me?
I don't want to be pregnant. I'll get fat and lose my girlish figure. Then I'll have to take care of the baby, and babies smell bad and make a lot of noise. Also, Ralph is really ugly, so if he got me knocked up, the baby will be 50% troll ugly. How can I be expected to love an ugly troll baby?
Dear Period: remember how I was complaining about how much I hate you and how I never want to have my period again? I was lying. I love you. Please come back. Love, Wendy
It's Official.
Friday, February 12, 2010
I Joined Facebook!
So anyway, I have an account and I think you can find me if you search for my email address - wendythecactus@gmail.com. But I'm still learning this facebook thing, so I'm not one hundred percent certain about that. If you send me a friend request, I will probably confirm the request. (I reserve the right to reject the following "friends": people who are ugly; people who are boring; people who are more famous than me).
Anyway, if you haven't joined up for facebook, what are you waiting for? Facebook is very hip and edgy.
p.s. I was supposed to spend some quality time the past couple of days reflecting upon the possibility that I might be pregnant. I did not. Instead, I ate junk food, got a pedicure, and opened my facebook account.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
There Is A Very Strong Possibility I Will Never Drink Alcohol Again.
This means that I can safely drink myself into an oblivion when I am home.
Today, I was determined to be productive. I was going to clean the blinds, vacuum and scrub the bathtub. But first, I decided to improve myself by reading some non-fiction. It's important to be well read and educated.
Did you know you can learn things from books?? I know, I was surprised as well. But in my non-fiction book, there was a recipe for the Chi Chi. I did not know such a drink existed!
I immediately wanted to try a Chi Chi, but I did not have all the ingredients on hand. I could only make a cocktail that involved alcohol, Gatorade, moldy bread and raisins. Otherwise, I just had to drink shots.
This is not a problem - I love shots! I have been told that I do silly, ill advised, borderline dangerous things after I've had 3 or 4 shots. However, I have no first hand knowledge of this allegation because I always black out after the 3rd shot. Today was no different. Do you see that photograph below? That's the last thing I remember and then ...
I woke up in bed with my husband. Holy. Crap. I did not pay much attention during 7th grade sex ed classes (I spent most of the time blushing and giggling and covertly watching the Most Popular Boy) but I do know where babies come from, and I do recall quitting the pill because it was giving me a hairy lip and I don't see a condom wrapper in the trash can...
This is very bad.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Super Bowl? More Like "Super Crap"
This year, however, I did not get invited to any Super Bowl parties. I tried to invite myself to several parties, but Cynthia said her party is for singles only (bitch ho) and Geraldo said he could not invite me to his party because Ralph might tag along (yeah, I understand - Ralph is a considerable liability).
So I am at home alone, watching the Super Crap. You know, I usually joke about how I love a man in spandex ... but, I guess I never looked very closely. Look, spandex is for gymnasts, lithe ballerinas, and Prince. God did not intend fat men with saggy butts and love handles to wear spandex.
I thought a bottle of vodka would improve the game. It did - briefly - but then the halftime show started.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
My First Stalker!
What a thoughtful and touching comment. I have always wanted a stalker, and to be honest, I have always felt incomplete - like something important was missing from my life. I have dated a lot and had plenty of boyfriends, and a few secret admirers, and hell, I even have a husband, but I have never had a stalker. But now that Creepy Lurker has posted a comment, I feel ... I feel ... oh my god, I don't know quite how to describe this feeling. It feels like the world is full of promise and hope and sunshine; everyone looks beautiful; I don't care if there's traffic or if the old lady ahead of me on the grocery store line pays for her groceries with pocket change and coupons and argues with the cashier about the price of the chicken wings. It feels like there is a star glowing inside my chest. I know I have felt this way before, it's just been so long, it's hard to identify.
Oh my god, I remember now. I feel ... happy.
I can tell good things are going to happen! What if Creepy Lurker is my soulmate? Or, maybe Creepy Lurker is a famous television producer who is going to turn my life into a reality series. No, I wouldn't be that lucky. Creepy Lurker is probably just my soulmate.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Snazzy New Banner!
The Vampire Upstairs.
I don't know if the resident in Unit 314 is male or female, but I do know that s/he is nocturnal. Now that I am a pampered housewife (ok, so marriage has a few perks), I spend a lot more time in my apartment. What is the point of going outside and being productive when there is so much good t.v. that needs to be watched? When I am home watching my soaps and Ellen, I never hear a sound from Unit 314. It's as if the unit is abandoned during sunlight hours.
The noises start a little after midnight. I usually sleep with ear plugs to drown out The Vampire's cacophony, but I had to wake up by 11 a.m. today to meet some girlfriends for brunch and I was afraid that I would sleep through my alarm if I was wearing ear plugs. This is what I heard last night from Unit 314:
- Closet doors opening loudly (all the apartments have heavy sliding mirrored closet doors).
- Closet doors closing loudly.
- Vampire stalks around apartment.
- Vampire goes to bathroom. Flushes toilet 4-5 times.
- More foot pounding - maybe there are multiple vampires upstairs? How many coffins can you fit in a one bedroom apartment?
- Closet doors opening loudly...
REPEAT 97 times between midnight and 4 a.m.
Then, the Vampire takes a shower. Flushes the toilet a few more times. And then, finally, silence. I don't even want to think about the rituals going on upstairs. Something sinister must be happening because there is no other reason why anyone would open and close their closets 97 or 98 times IN THE MIDDLE OF THE G.D. NIGHT.
Alternatively, my upstairs neighbor is a college student with college student hours who has a closet door compulsion. I feel compelled to reject this theory because it is last exciting than my Vampire Hypothesis.