I Want To Do Unholy Things With This Butter

When I first joined my ultra-hip ashram, I cleared out all the junk food from my house.  I think a lot of ashrams are about enlightenment and meditating, but this is Los Angeles, and in Los Angeles, it is very important to be as hot and desirable as possible.  I joined my ashram because my guru has helped a lot of movie stars lose weight.

I restocked my fridge with cabbage, carrot sticks and cottage cheese.  When I have a craving for something that tastes good, it's ok - there is nothing good to eat in the house.  Once, I thought I would die if I did not have a piece of chocolate, so I flushed my car keys down the toilet.  (My building's manager was SO pissed at me.  He's so unreasonable).

This morning, though, I found a stick of butter lurking behind a rotting eggplant.  Have you ever seen anything so beautiful in your life?  I have been fantasizing about the butter all day.  Very shameful fantasies. 

I know I should throw out the butter.  I will.  Later.  Or maybe I'll just rub it all over my body so I can smell the butter wherever I go.