I'm Ready To Get Laid.

I can't believe it, I'm so excited I could hyperventilate - I'm going to start dating again! I'm going to flirt, be shameless, and have a lot of meaningless sex.

But not yet. Everything needs to be perfect - my hair, my skin, my waistline. This weekend, I am going to subject myself to every manner of beauty treatment available in Los Angeles County. Waxings, exfoliations and chemical peels? Bring. it. on.

Here is a recent photo of me:

I look disgusting - fat, hairy and pale. I am a fat, ugly beast and no one - not even the creepy guy who plays Second Life for 18 hours a day - wants to have sex with me.

Would a butt lift be too extreme? Could I just get botox injections in my tush?