Really Bad Gas, Help Needed.

Beloved and Respected Readers:

I have a problem. For the past three weeks, I have been suffering from the most paralyzing and horrific gas imaginable. I need help. I need Gas-X. But I am too embarressed to go to the drugstore and buy some. I don't want the clerk to know I have Gas. It would destroy my reputation.

I tried to buy some Gas-X this morning. I went to the drugstore and started to fill up my basket with Decoy Purchases - lip balm; candy; some new pens - in other words, a bunch of crap I don't actually need but this way, the clerk thinks that I am running errands and I am also picking up some Gas-X for my boyfriend. (I also deploy the Decoy Purchases Technique when I buy tampons).

But I couldn't do it. I bought the Decoy Purchases but there was a really cute guy in the Gas-X aisle. He was looking at the laxatives (probably for his Super Model Girlfriend). Icould not let Really Cute Guy know that I was responsible for the farts in Aisle 7. So now I am home, bloated, smelly and miserable.

I thought about buying some Gas-X online except then it will show up on my credit card history. What if I become a celebrity? What if I marry a celebrity? Gas-X is the sort of credit card purchase that could ruin my life.

Will someone buy me Gas-X as an early Christmas present? Please, have mercy.