Thursday, October 29, 2009

My Halloween Costume.

My evening commute was a total ordeal, but it gave me an opportunity to reflect upon my marriage. Initially, I decided to stay faithful to my husband for two or three months, and then launch myself into a series of steamy adulturous affairs. But, if I have an affair, I will blog about it. And now that my husband knows about this blog, he will read about my affair and know that he has been cuckolded. Then, there is a strong possibility that he will either (a) divorce me, (b) kill me, or (c) post my old fat photos on facebook.

I thought I wanted to divorce my husband as soon as possible, but I realized something as I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic - if I divorce my husband after less than six months of marriage, everyone will assume I am a flighty, crazy woman. Damaged goods. No one wants to date damaged goods.

So, I have to stay faithful to Ralph as long as possible. My goal is to make this marriage last at least two years. 18 months. A year at least. Ok, definitely 10 or 8 or maybe 7 months.

Halloween is a slight problem. Halloween is my favorite holiday because it gives me the perfect excuse to dress up in a trashy costume, get drunk, and hook up with a stranger. But not this year! This year, I will be almost sober and chaste. If I want to be chaste, this means I should probably not wear the Slutty Nurse costume that I bought last week.

I have to wear a different costume.

A costume that says "I am lousy in bed."

A costume that says "Please do not buy me any drinks."

A costume that looks like this:

For Halloween 2010, I am dressing up as Wendell the Cactus.

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