Recommended Reading

After my daily yoga practice, I like to devote myself to at least an hour of inspirational reading.

This is my bible.  It is a source of endless inspiration.  I admire celebrities so much and hope, that by studying In Touch, I can share in their happiness.  Famous people must be so happy.

Oh my god, I love the Kardashians.  If I ever have a daughter, I will name her Kourtney Kimberly. I need these shoes.  I will be happier if I buy these shoes.

Oh, I could just spend all day flipping through gossip magazines.  When my guru suggested I spend time reflecting upon inspirational literature, In Touch was the first thing I thought of.

I Am Not A "Regular" Woman!

I used to just take taxis everywhere because it made me feel like a character on Sex and the City.  (I think of myself as a Carrie-Samantha-Charlotte hybrid.  Once, several years ago, I had a Miranda Morning.  It was unsettling).

But then I saw a photograph of Britney Spears driving a car and I had an epiphany: I need a car.

I love my car.  I drive it everywhere.  But holy crap, when did gas get so expensive!?

My mom suggested I just fill up with Regular Gas.  As if!  I am not regular, and I would rather die than use regular gasoline.  My car gets the most expensive fuel available, end of discussion.

Open Letter to My Potential Corporate Sponsors

I am willing to sell out.

Traffic. SIGH.

I have a very busy schedule: yoga classes; meditation at the ashram; spa visits; and shopping at the mall.  I do not have time for traffic!  Sometimes, between yoga classes and shopping for cute outfits to wear to my yoga classes, I feel like I am just moments away from a total nervous breakdown.  I just have so many obligations to juggle.

I do not know how I would cope if I ever had to get to job and commute to an office [shudder] and deal with the Los Angeles morning commute. 

I Miss Coffee. A Lot.

Why does everyone assume I had plastic surgery?  Readers, please, my parents gave me a nose job for my 16th birthday and that is it.  I did not get any implants or have liposuction.  This is just me, looking fabulous, now that I have embraced a healthier lifestyle.  I practice yoga, I drink green tea and I meditate three times a day.  I only eat and drink health foods. I do not poison my body with things like chocolate or alcohol.

My guru also says that caffeine is a toxin that must be avoided on the path to spiritual enlightenment.

Sometimes, I really hate my guru.

This morning, I went to breakfast.  I ordered a cup of coffee.  Then, I just sat and gazed at the sweet, beautiful elixer.  I let the heavenly smell slowly waft towards me. I almost had a profoundly spiritual moment.

Then I drank the entire cup of coffee in one gulp and burnt the back of my tongue. 

The Indignity of Being Single

When I have to go to the hardware store, I feel so deeply, painfully ashamed of myself. Nothing screams "pathetic lonely spinster" like a woman roaming the aisles of a hardware store alone. 

A woman does not belong in a hardware store unless she is escorted by a big, strong man who is going to take her shoe shopping just after they pick up a triple ply bunt. 

I think I can handle being single if I can just avoid ever having to go to a hardware store again.

Next time, I will just pay a homeless man to go into the store with me.  Then I will not feel quite so self-conscious.

I Just Wish I Was Ordinary.

Sometimes, I wish I was ordinary.  Being special is EXHAUSTING.

I am the most charismatic person I know and you know something?  Charisma takes a lot of work.  I cannot spare any extra energy for things like Daylight Savings Time.  My talent is too important for things like "time changes" and "getting out of bed on time."