2009 started so well - at a trendy Hollywood bar, drunk, and making out with a hot stranger. Four minutes later, everything started to go downhill when my friend Sandra threw up on my feet. Since then, it's been a steady descent into an abyss of darkness and despair.
I thought I turned things around last summer when a Secret Admirer sent me flowers. I was intrigued. Three dates - and one very bad bender in Vegas later - I found myself married. The rest is history.
But I am Wendy the Optimistic Cactus and I am convinced that 2010 is going to be an amazing year. Well, at least it will be better than 2009. Or, about the same as 2009.
Ok, look, 2010, I'm going to be straight with you: please have mercy. I am a broken woman. 2009 kicked me in the shins - again and again and again. Just when I thought 2009 and I could be friends, it threw acid in my face and stole my wallet. 2010, I know you are probably going to be a miserable, wretched year but if you just let me divorce my husband Ralph, I can take any other abuse - I can even spend Saturday nights at home. Alone and celibate. Watching Glee reruns.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Worst. Christmas. EVER.
It's official: Ralph is the Worst Husband in the History of Bad Husbands. Excuse me, I have to go compose myself.
Ok, I'm back. I just spent the past 4 hours sobbing hysterically in bed. I think I'm done now. Wait, no.
Ok, I'm really done crying now. My tear ducts are exhausted. When I cry now, it is tearless - I just shake and heave and moan in agony. But I am a strong, independent woman and I do not need Christmas presents to be happy. Good thing, too, because my Christmas presents this year were total crap.
1. My mother gave me a selection of business cards for divorce attorneys that her friends recommend.
2. My single friends would not let me participate in our Annual Single Girls Secret Santa because I am married now and don't need silly single girl gifts like lipstick and shot glasses. I started that gift exchange, damnit!!!
3. Ralph gave me a used vacuum cleaner and a $25 gift certificate to Starbucks. He found the vacuum cleaner in the alley behind our apartment. It probably does not work. Actually, it will probably work just long enough to give me an electric shock and set the carpet on fire.
I've already spent the $25 gift certificate on seasonal flavored frappucinos. I was feeling depressed and thought the sugar would make me feel better. Instead, I felt depressed, ill and fat.
Please go away now.
Ok, I'm back. I just spent the past 4 hours sobbing hysterically in bed. I think I'm done now. Wait, no.
Ok, I'm really done crying now. My tear ducts are exhausted. When I cry now, it is tearless - I just shake and heave and moan in agony. But I am a strong, independent woman and I do not need Christmas presents to be happy. Good thing, too, because my Christmas presents this year were total crap.
1. My mother gave me a selection of business cards for divorce attorneys that her friends recommend.
2. My single friends would not let me participate in our Annual Single Girls Secret Santa because I am married now and don't need silly single girl gifts like lipstick and shot glasses. I started that gift exchange, damnit!!!
3. Ralph gave me a used vacuum cleaner and a $25 gift certificate to Starbucks. He found the vacuum cleaner in the alley behind our apartment. It probably does not work. Actually, it will probably work just long enough to give me an electric shock and set the carpet on fire.
I've already spent the $25 gift certificate on seasonal flavored frappucinos. I was feeling depressed and thought the sugar would make me feel better. Instead, I felt depressed, ill and fat.
Please go away now.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Feliz Navidad!
It's almost here - CHRISTMAS!!!
This is easily my favorite Christmas ornament. I made it myself last weekend when I was feeling depressed about my marriage.
In 2010, I'm thinking about redecorating my apartment with a bunch of portraits of myself. I have thought about doing this before, but I was worried it might seem a little creepy. Well, now that I have seen myself as a Christmas ornament, I have realized the error of my ways. Of course I should plaster my apartment with images of myself. Everyone knows that men are attracted to confident women.
Merry Christmas! If Ralph didn't spend at least $25,000 on my Christmas presents, I am going to be seriously pissed.
This is easily my favorite Christmas ornament. I made it myself last weekend when I was feeling depressed about my marriage.
In 2010, I'm thinking about redecorating my apartment with a bunch of portraits of myself. I have thought about doing this before, but I was worried it might seem a little creepy. Well, now that I have seen myself as a Christmas ornament, I have realized the error of my ways. Of course I should plaster my apartment with images of myself. Everyone knows that men are attracted to confident women.
Merry Christmas! If Ralph didn't spend at least $25,000 on my Christmas presents, I am going to be seriously pissed.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Best Christmas Present Ever
For our annual Christmas present exchange, I gave Miles possibly the greatest Christmas present since the birth of Christ. The wrapping job is a little messy, but it's the thought that counts.
Miles eagerly unwrapped his present and - VIOLA!
IT'S ME! I gave Miles the gift of MYSELF. He gets to be my friend for another year and listen to all the drama in my life and buy me drinks and treat me to expensive pedicures.
Miles was so happy, he collapsed and remained silent for several moments. I told him, "I know, I know, you are too happy to speak." Finally, he began to shudder and cry softly. I said, "I know, I know, you are crying tears of joy." Then Miles started to mutter "selfish, selfish, selfish" but I knew he was just overwhelmed and was trying to say "so incredibly selfess, selfless, selfess."
Tonight, I feel like Wendy the Selfless Cactus.
Miles eagerly unwrapped his present and - VIOLA!
IT'S ME! I gave Miles the gift of MYSELF. He gets to be my friend for another year and listen to all the drama in my life and buy me drinks and treat me to expensive pedicures.
Miles was so happy, he collapsed and remained silent for several moments. I told him, "I know, I know, you are too happy to speak." Finally, he began to shudder and cry softly. I said, "I know, I know, you are crying tears of joy." Then Miles started to mutter "selfish, selfish, selfish" but I knew he was just overwhelmed and was trying to say "so incredibly selfess, selfless, selfess."
Tonight, I feel like Wendy the Selfless Cactus.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Bah Humbug
I am just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I loved Christmas as a child -the presents! the tree! the cookies! - but as a mature woman, I came to love Christmas even more. You know why? The Christmas parties! the egg nog! the mistletoe! more egg nog!
But this year, it's different. I can't canoodle with a strange hot man under the mistletoe. (Which means I better not indulge in the egg nog). Instead, I just stay home with my husband and furtively sneak out with my girlfriends when Ralph goes to the bathroom. This weekend, all my girlfriends disappeared. It feels like a conspiracy, but I guess they have dates or maybe someone got the evil swine flu.
I tried decorating our apartment to get me into the Christmas spirit. It didn't work.
But this year, it's different. I can't canoodle with a strange hot man under the mistletoe. (Which means I better not indulge in the egg nog). Instead, I just stay home with my husband and furtively sneak out with my girlfriends when Ralph goes to the bathroom. This weekend, all my girlfriends disappeared. It feels like a conspiracy, but I guess they have dates or maybe someone got the evil swine flu.
I tried decorating our apartment to get me into the Christmas spirit. It didn't work.
Spa Day
The holiday season always wears me out. I needed to go shopping today and buy Miles' present for our annual Christmas gift exchange. Last year, Miles gave me a selection of luxury bath products; I got him a lint brush. In 2007, Miles gave me a luxury cashmere blanket; I gave him a box of q-tips. In 2006, Miles gave me a t.v.; I gave him some old coasters I didn't want anymore. I really need to step it up this year, but I could not bear the thought of the mall - the struggle to find a parking spot; crying children with snotty noses; all the ugly people.
So I got a facial instead.
I love spa treatments! But today, I was disappointed. I wanted to zone out and go to my happy place - a place where I am still single and leading an exciting, glamourous life. But Tanya (the woman giving me my facial) WOULD NOT SHUT UP.
It would have been acceptable if Tanya was asking me a series of thoughtful questions and giving me the chance to vent about all the drama in my life. But no. Tanya would not stop talking about herself. Blahblahblah, me me me, I have breast cancer, blahblahblah, I'm trying to stay optimistic, sigh moan sigh, I'm just so lucky to have such a supportive family. Yeah, cry me a river, Tanya. Thanks for ruining what was supposed to be a relaxing morning. And I still don't have Miles' Christmas present. Crap, I'm the worst friend in the world.
So I got a facial instead.
I love spa treatments! But today, I was disappointed. I wanted to zone out and go to my happy place - a place where I am still single and leading an exciting, glamourous life. But Tanya (the woman giving me my facial) WOULD NOT SHUT UP.
It would have been acceptable if Tanya was asking me a series of thoughtful questions and giving me the chance to vent about all the drama in my life. But no. Tanya would not stop talking about herself. Blahblahblah, me me me, I have breast cancer, blahblahblah, I'm trying to stay optimistic, sigh moan sigh, I'm just so lucky to have such a supportive family. Yeah, cry me a river, Tanya. Thanks for ruining what was supposed to be a relaxing morning. And I still don't have Miles' Christmas present. Crap, I'm the worst friend in the world.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
A Present For Ralph.
I know exactly what Ralph wants for Christmas: he wants me to put out. But that is so not going to happen in this or any lifetime. So I got him this instead:
It's the complete DVD collection of the greatest television show in the history of television: Sex and the City!
I have always wanted to own the complete DVD collection of SATC. I could have bought it for myself, but instead, I bought it for Ralph. Sometimes I am amazed at how incredibly selfless I can be. Ralph is really lucky to be married to such a thoughtful and sacrificing woman.
Look at them - aren't they beautiful? I think I like them better than I like my own friends. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without them. Indeed, my life has felt a little empty ever since the show went off the air. The re-runs on Bravo are just not the same - they edit out all the good bits.
I admire all of the girls, but I identify with Samantha the most. She's just so strong and independent and she sleeps with a lot of hot men. This might sound sentimental, but Samantha is my role model.
It's the complete DVD collection of the greatest television show in the history of television: Sex and the City!
I have always wanted to own the complete DVD collection of SATC. I could have bought it for myself, but instead, I bought it for Ralph. Sometimes I am amazed at how incredibly selfless I can be. Ralph is really lucky to be married to such a thoughtful and sacrificing woman.
Look at them - aren't they beautiful? I think I like them better than I like my own friends. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without them. Indeed, my life has felt a little empty ever since the show went off the air. The re-runs on Bravo are just not the same - they edit out all the good bits.
I admire all of the girls, but I identify with Samantha the most. She's just so strong and independent and she sleeps with a lot of hot men. This might sound sentimental, but Samantha is my role model.
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