It's Official.

Nobody loves me. I should just eat a bucket of mud and start talking to myself in public.

I Joined Facebook!

I recently signed up for Facebook. My profile is at Wendy Thecactus. I tried to register as Wendy Cactus - because that is my name - but stupid Facebook would not recognize my last name. It said I didn't qualify for an account or something silly like that. It's like the time I was rejected by eHarmony.

So anyway, I have an account and I think you can find me if you search for my email address - wendythecactus@gmail.com. But I'm still learning this facebook thing, so I'm not one hundred percent certain about that. If you send me a friend request, I will probably confirm the request. (I reserve the right to reject the following "friends": people who are ugly; people who are boring; people who are more famous than me).

Anyway, if you haven't joined up for facebook, what are you waiting for? Facebook is very hip and edgy.

p.s. I was supposed to spend some quality time the past couple of days reflecting upon the possibility that I might be pregnant. I did not. Instead, I ate junk food, got a pedicure, and opened my facebook account.

There Is A Very Strong Possibility I Will Never Drink Alcohol Again.

I suppose I should tell you about what happened yesterday. If you have been reading my blog, you will recall that I am celibate. In order to remain celibate, I've been also trying to stay sober. But I recently realized that I just need to stay sober when I am at bars, parties, etc. - basically, any time or place that I might come into contact with a sexually desirable man.

This means that I can safely drink myself into an oblivion when I am home.


Today, I was determined to be productive. I was going to clean the blinds, vacuum and scrub the bathtub. But first, I decided to improve myself by reading some non-fiction. It's important to be well read and educated.

Did you know you can learn things from books?? I know, I was surprised as well. But in my non-fiction book, there was a recipe for the Chi Chi. I did not know such a drink existed!

I immediately wanted to try a Chi Chi, but I did not have all the ingredients on hand. I could only make a cocktail that involved alcohol, Gatorade, moldy bread and raisins. Otherwise, I just had to drink shots.

This is not a problem - I love shots! I have been told that I do silly, ill advised, borderline dangerous things after I've had 3 or 4 shots. However, I have no first hand knowledge of this allegation because I always black out after the 3rd shot. Today was no different. Do you see that photograph below? That's the last thing I remember and then ...

I woke up in bed with my husband. Holy. Crap. I did not pay much attention during 7th grade sex ed classes (I spent most of the time blushing and giggling and covertly watching the Most Popular Boy) but I do know where babies come from, and I do recall quitting the pill because it was giving me a hairy lip and I don't see a condom wrapper in the trash can...

This is very bad.

Super Bowl? More Like "Super Crap"

This year, I am watching the Super Bowl for the first time. Usually, I just go to a Super Bowl party; get drunk; flirt shamelessly with all the single men; flirt covertly with the hostess's boyfriend; and end the evening getting sick in the bathroom. God, I love Super Bowl parties!

This year, however, I did not get invited to any Super Bowl parties. I tried to invite myself to several parties, but Cynthia said her party is for singles only (bitch ho) and Geraldo said he could not invite me to his party because Ralph might tag along (yeah, I understand - Ralph is a considerable liability).

So I am at home alone, watching the Super Crap. You know, I usually joke about how I love a man in spandex ... but, I guess I never looked very closely. Look, spandex is for gymnasts, lithe ballerinas, and Prince. God did not intend fat men with saggy butts and love handles to wear spandex.



I thought a bottle of vodka would improve the game. It did - briefly - but then the halftime show started.

Is it just me, or was that the most uncomfortable halftime show ever? Whoever thought it would be a good idea to have The Who play the Super Crap halftime show should be shot and then fired. They are like 90 years old. The whole thing made me Super Anxious because I thought the singer was just going to drop dead right there on the stage. Although in retrospect, that would have been pretty cool.

My First Stalker!

Exciting news: I have a stalker! His name is Creepy Lurker and he finally posted a comment after my January 31 post (Why I Would Make An Excellent Celebrity). This is what Creepy Lurker wrote:

You are looking great in that photo.

I really enjoy the photos where

you and Jo are side by side like that.

Oh yeah.

What a thoughtful and touching comment. I have always wanted a stalker, and to be honest, I have always felt incomplete - like something important was missing from my life. I have dated a lot and had plenty of boyfriends, and a few secret admirers, and hell, I even have a husband, but I have never had a stalker. But now that Creepy Lurker has posted a comment, I feel ... I feel ... oh my god, I don't know quite how to describe this feeling. It feels like the world is full of promise and hope and sunshine; everyone looks beautiful; I don't care if there's traffic or if the old lady ahead of me on the grocery store line pays for her groceries with pocket change and coupons and argues with the cashier about the price of the chicken wings. It feels like there is a star glowing inside my chest. I know I have felt this way before, it's just been so long, it's hard to identify.

Oh my god, I remember now. I feel ... happy.

I can tell good things are going to happen! What if Creepy Lurker is my soulmate? Or, maybe Creepy Lurker is a famous television producer who is going to turn my life into a reality series. No, I wouldn't be that lucky. Creepy Lurker is probably just my soulmate.

Snazzy New Banner!

OMG look look look! I created my own banner. I failed my high school computer skills class but my god, I just figured out how to make my own blog banner. So what if it's a little fuzzy and tilted? I am still a GENIUS. Excuse me, I'm going to go eat a pint of ice cream to celebrate.

The Vampire Upstairs.

I live on the second floor of a four story apartment building. Last night, around 3:45 a.m., I came to an important conclusion: my upstairs neighbor is probably a vampire.

I don't know if the resident in Unit 314 is male or female, but I do know that s/he is nocturnal. Now that I am a pampered housewife (ok, so marriage has a few perks), I spend a lot more time in my apartment. What is the point of going outside and being productive when there is so much good t.v. that needs to be watched? When I am home watching my soaps and Ellen, I never hear a sound from Unit 314. It's as if the unit is abandoned during sunlight hours.

The noises start a little after midnight. I usually sleep with ear plugs to drown out The Vampire's cacophony, but I had to wake up by 11 a.m. today to meet some girlfriends for brunch and I was afraid that I would sleep through my alarm if I was wearing ear plugs. This is what I heard last night from Unit 314:

- Closet doors opening loudly (all the apartments have heavy sliding mirrored closet doors).
- Closet doors closing loudly.
- Vampire stalks around apartment.
- Vampire goes to bathroom. Flushes toilet 4-5 times.
- More foot pounding - maybe there are multiple vampires upstairs? How many coffins can you fit in a one bedroom apartment?
- Closet doors opening loudly...
REPEAT 97 times between midnight and 4 a.m.

Then, the Vampire takes a shower. Flushes the toilet a few more times. And then, finally, silence. I don't even want to think about the rituals going on upstairs. Something sinister must be happening because there is no other reason why anyone would open and close their closets 97 or 98 times IN THE MIDDLE OF THE G.D. NIGHT.

Alternatively, my upstairs neighbor is a college student with college student hours who has a closet door compulsion. I feel compelled to reject this theory because it is last exciting than my Vampire Hypothesis.