The Horror, The Horror.

Larry broke my digital camera.

No, that's not right. Let me try again.

Larry destroyed my digital camera.

Much better! I should go back to the beginning. I had plans to meet several girlfriends for happy hour tonight. We made these plans at least two weeks again. Sometimes, a girl just needs to hang out with her bitches. After last night's fiasco, I definitely needed some girl time.

I thought Larry would be thrilled - he could go home; fart; and watch ESPN.

I was wrong. Larry freaked out. He got jealous and thought I was going out to meet men. He whined, begged, cried, bargained, threatened, cried some more, issued ultimatums, apologized, shrieked, sent me flowers at work, called me a slut, apologized again - and all this happened before 10 a.m.

Well, Wendy does not respond well to ultimatums. I went to happy hour! But when I got home, I found this:

[INSERT PHOTO OF DESTROYED DIGITAL CAMERA]

On the bright side, Larry is G-O-N-E. I have no idea where he went, and I honestly don't care. Good riddance!

Whew.

My blog has a new feature! Look to the right. See the chippy new email link? I did that all by myself. I customized my layout and added the HTML stuff and it only took about 50 minutes.



I'm exhausted. Larry thinks I'm doing a pilates routine. He is zoned out in front of ESPN. Is he ever going to leave? I can't get rid of him! I went to work today, and Larry sent me SEVENTY-TWO emails. "Are you mad at me for crushing for Miles?" "Do you love Miles more than you love me?" "Has Miles called you yet?" "I love you." "Do you have a corkscrew?" "I just took a nap." "Have you ever dated Miles?"

Oh my god, it's like I'm dating a crazy 14 year old girl. No, it's worse. It's like I'm dating myself.

Shit.

My life is over. The two most important men in my life - Larry and Miles - hate each other. I think I'm hyperventilating (and, incidentally, I don't know how I'm going to put out tonight after what happened. Will Tylenol PM help?)

Miles came over after work to hang out and meet Larry. Everything seemed to be going well. But then I had to use the powder room, and when I came back, they were fighting! At first, I thought they were just goofing around.


But then Miles dropkicked Larry in the head.

And then Larry crushed Miles.

Miles screamed like a girl and then stormed out of my apartment dramatically. I think this is the part where Larry and Miles are supposed to laugh and become best friends - except Miles is gone and ignoring my text messages, emails, and voicemails. In retrospect, I probably should have broken up the fight and skipped the photo shoot.

I Have A Boyfriend!

Larry is my boyfriend! We spent the entire weekend together. It was so romantic. We know everything about each other, and most importantly, we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

Yes, Readers, Larry is THE ONE. Isn't he handsome? Here is a photo of the happy couple:


We had a romantic dinner on Friday night. Then, on Saturday, we went out for breakfast. Oh, we just spent the entire weekend eating at fabulous expensive restaurants. I had to pay for all our meals because Larry's wallet was stolen on Friday morning. Also, the dry cleaners lost all of Larry's good clothes, so I took him shopping today for a new wardrobe.

Here is an aeriel photo of Lendy (get it?):

I'm So Humiliated.

I am getting ready for my date with Larry. He is taking me to a super trendy and expensive restaurant. According to the Internet, all the important Hollywood agents take their important celebrity clients to eat there. So, I need to look my absolute most fabulous.

And I have a zit.

What do I do??? I have tried every trick I know. First, I put on concealer, but instead of a massive red zit, I now have a massive brownish bump on my face. The concealer just screams: "Zit! Zit! Zit!"

I am 32 years old. At my level, I should not have to deal with this crap. Look, acne is great for junior high students - it's like a chastity belt. But I am a modern woman, with modern needs, and those needs do not include PIMPLES.

Should I cancel my date with Larry? Or, should I go on my date with Larry, and just be prepared to put out a little more? If Larry is stuck having dinner with Zitty Wendy, he's going to expect some action...

Beauty Sleep.

Devoted Reader: I know you lead an empty and sorry existence, and you read my blog to give yourself a brief respite from the daily grind. You are probably at work RIGHT NOW and you are reading my blog to distract yourself from some mind-numbing task. But, alas, I do not have much time to blog tonight. I have a hot date tomorrow night with Larry! I need to get at least 12 hours of sleep so that I look as gorgeous as possible tomorrow night.

Wish me luck and send me tons of good energy! Gute Nacht!

An Easter Story.

Once upon a time, there was a sassy but adorable cactus named Wendy. Wendy was on a diet, because she wanted Larry to think she had tons of sex appeal. So Wendy was very good, and she ate only carrots and Red Vines. Everyone was amazed by Wendy's willpower.


But, the Evil Duchess of Cadbury was jealous of Wendy. The Evil Duchess of Cadbury was lonely and she wanted to date Larry. She hatched an evil plot to defeat Wendy's diet.


When Wendy came home from work, she was exhausted and stressed but she was determined to only have carrot sticks and carrot soup for dinner. She walked into her dining room and screamed in horror - "What the $%&@ is this?!?!?!"


Wendy told the Cadbury Creme Egg that it was not welcome and it should go haunt someone else's Easter basket. But the Cadbury Creme Egg was an enchanted candy and its evil spell could not be broken.


Wendy lay down next to the beautiful Cadbury Creme Egg and trembled with ecstasy and anticipation.

Wendy thought she would just take one tiny bite of the Cadbury Creme Egg. But when she tasted the soft fondant center, she lost her senses and gobbled up the entire chocolate egg.

Wendy drifted into a trouble sleep. The Evil Duchess of Cadbury had won! Wendy would be a Fat Ugly Beast FOREVER.

The End.