Sweet & Sassy Cactus Seeks Hot And Wealthy Soulmate.

HELP! I am preparing my profile for match.com. With nearly 15 million members, I am confident I can find my soulmate on match.com. But... I'm going to need a really hot profile photo. Even though I can't date all of the men online, I certainly want everyone to appreciate how unbelievably sexy I am.

Miles took 435 photos of me this weekend, and we have finally narrowed it down to 3 profile photo contenders.

Contestant No. 1: I think I look like the cactus-next-door in the photo. Maybe it's not sexy enough??



Contestant No. 2: I think I look very mysterious and alluring here. Like Sharon Stone.

Contestant No. 3: I hate this photo, but Miles thinks it makes me look like "a magical princess sex goddess." Which does sound kind of good.

Thoughts? Shit, I don't think any of these photos are going to work. Maybe we need to have a photo shoot at the beach. I always look good when the wind is blowing through my spikes.

And I still love bubble baths.

I was looking for a good photo to use for my match.com profile (I want a profile photo that screams "sassy but sweet") and I found some old childhood photos. I scanned in one of my favorites. It must have been taken in 1984 or 1985. Aren't I cute?? I'm getting ready to take my bath, and I've messed up my hair with the bubbles.


I burned all the photos from the 1990s. Enough said.

Namaste.

Good news! I have decided to become a yoga instructor. I already go to yoga class at least once a month. So, why should I spend $15 per class when I could be paid to teach the classes? And, if the energy feels right, I might also be willing to act as a Spiritual Advisor and/or Life Coach for my students.

Let me show you my favorite yoga poses. These poses are the cornerstone of a rewarding yoga practice.

1. Tadasana (Mountain pose). I like to think about birds when I do this pose.

2. Salamba Sirsasana (headstand). The inversion brings an intoxicating supply of blood to the brain cells!

3. Savasana (relaxation pose). It may look like I am just laying on the floor, but this is a very vigorous and challenging pose.

New Retirement Plan.

I concocted a plan to increase my revenue so I can retire by age 40: the California lottery! I do not like the pressure of picking the numbers for the lottery-lottery, but I (heart) Lottery Scratchers.

I decided to play 10x The Money. The odds of winning any prize are 1:4:48. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds pretty good.



After my first few scratches, I was feeling STRONG. My winning numbers were 28 and 16. (God, I wish I was still 28). Early Retirement, here I come!



I didn't win.

Please go away now.

Om My Ass.

I have what some would describe as a Type A personality. I'm sick of feeling stressed every morning before I even start my commute, so I decided to try meditating every morning for ten minutes.



Holy crap, meditation is hard! I sat down in a comfortable but alert position next to an inspiring statue that is either the Buddha or Gandhi. Then, I let my mind empty and started to chant, "Ommmm, Ommmm, Ommmm." It seemed easy for about 19 seconds. My mind was a blank slate. But then, I couldn't stop thinking - "What am I going to wear to work today? Maybe that cute new jacket I got at Nordstroms this weekend. I feel bloated. It's cold. I really like ketchup."

I tried lighting candles and focusing on the flames. But I got worried that a breeze would knock over one of the candles and set the table on fire.

I'll try meditating again tomorrow. Maybe it gets easier with practice?

iPhone.

Miles wants an iPhone.

It is all he talks about. iPhone, iPhone, iPhone. We were at a party on Saturday night, and Miles spent like two hours drooling over someone's iPhone. There was this absolutely gorgeous Ancistrocactus megarhizus at the party that I was DESPERATE to meet (perfect spikes; the most exquisite shade of green) but my wingman could not tear himself away from the iPhone for three lousy minutes.

Instead of meeting the Cactus of My Dreams, I got cornered by the most mundane Aztekium ritteri who would not stop talking about hedge funds.

The only person who got any action on Saturday night was Miles, and that's just because he hugged the friggin' iPhone.

#$%&!!!

Miles did this to me:

I do not work on Fridays. Usually, I devote Fridays to sleeping and watching t.v. But, since I am such a good friend, I agreed to help Miles tweak his resume today and draft some cover letters. We decided Miles needs to think outside the box if he is going to find employment in this economy. Miles thought it would be cool to work at Disneyland because then at least we might get some discounts on the park admission. The Matterhorn would probably be the best fit for Miles because it involves snow; but Miles is probably not scary enough to be a yeti. He is not exotic enough for the jungle boat ride, and the teacups are out because of his motion sickness.

What about the Pirates of the Carribean? Most of the pirates wear vests, and Miles has a vest. Some of the pirates are wearing hats and scarves - Miles is obsessed with his hat and scarf! It seems like a perfect fit. Miles got really excited with this job idea and started practicing his pirate moves. He started swiping his pen around in the air like a pirate sword and then -

$%^&*#&@(#&*.

I did not faint, but I think I need to see a plastic surgeon.